Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

Next Monday is your dreaded TAX DAY on April 15, and you’ll have until midnight to make sure your check is in the mail. But April 15 is not the “Ides of April.” According to the Roman calendar, the “Ides of April” is today on April 13, since many of our readers feel like Julius Caesar on the “Ides of March,” because we keep stabbing over-taxed payers in the back every time we confiscate all that money from their weekly paychecks. —Incompetents in Congress
Tax Freedom Day will arrive on April 18 this year (the 108th day of 2011) when Americans have earned enough money to pay this year’s tax obligations at the federal, state and local levels. —The Tax Foundation
That’s why we chose FDR’s “Taxes shall be levied according to ability to pay. That is the only American principle.” —Your Quote for Today Committee

Here’s some good news: These days only 39% of Americans view a North Korean nuclear attack on the U.S. as likely, so go ahead and send in your 1040s. —Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen

Most people don’t have to keep their tax records for more than three years, but if we suspect you’re a tax cheat, we’ll make you produce every document from the day you were born. —Your Friends at the IRS
Please don’t forget to pay your taxes next Monday. 21 million illegal immigrants (undocumented future DemocRATS) are depending on you. —Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose
Until we have a simple flat tax without all that paperwork, over-paid members of Congress should be forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free. —Angry Over-taxed Payers
There should be no withholding. No phony “refunds.” If folks had to write really big checks on TAX DAY, people would actually know how much they’re paying. —Turbo-Taxers on a Rant
It’s a good thing they don’t hold every election on TAX DAY. —Tax-and-Spenders running for re-election
Since the next fight will be about trillions instead of billions, please don’t ask about Obama’s proposed tax increases when he announces his plans not to balance the budget tomorrow. —Obama Re-election Campaigners at the White House
No matter what Obama pretends to offer, Republicans are opposed to new tax hikes, especially after we caved in on $600 billion in “increased tax revenue” in our year-end deal. —Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner

Please don’t ask if we were lying when we claimed “revenues from parking meters could not be used to pay police and fire fighters,” since that’s what we’re supposed to be using all those City taxes we steal from your paychecks. —Cincinnati Girly Mayor Mark Mallory and Slut for Obama Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin’
On this date in 1865 Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his 28,000 troops to Union General Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox, Virginia. So if you see flags flying at half staff in Kentucky today, that might be the reason. —Hurley the Historian
After working on my taxes all weekend, I now have 1040 more reasons to hate the government. —Ken CamBoo
Do you remember when all my staffers had to work until midnight at my H&R Doofus offices to help all my constituents get their taxes done? —Goof Doofus
Is the tax on booze deductible? —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer
Am I allowed to deduct all those fines I have to pay for filing frivolous lawsuits? —Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters
How about elevator shoes? —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele
Every year on April 15, I help Will “The Thrill “Terwort work on his extension. —Phyllis on Madison
Does Beano qualify as a deductible prescription? —Clueless Marc Wilson
Can inflatable sheep be considered an entertainment expense? —Gex “Rhymes With Sex” Williams
How about batteries? — Dildo World CEO Patty Brisben
How about Clairol? —Blondie Whalen
Did Sticky Fingers ever declare his embezzlement income from the Civic Club? —Vanilla Hills Vigilantes
You’ll never guess what we claimed as deductions. —Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell
Is it legal for me to deduct for all those lunches when I tried to bribe Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane to plug my book? —Rick “The Batboy” Robinson
By now you will have probably learned that taxation “with representation” isn’t so hot either. —The Founding Fathers
Could you please tell us which one of our local TV anchor babes got a boob reduction and why? —Horny in Hebron
Trish the Dish wants to know exactly when everybody’s taxes are due. —TV 19 News
It’s a funny thing. Sheree Paolello asked me the same question last night. —Jack Atherton (Still at Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you missed me)

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

Sometimes The Blower ridicules tax procrastinators to show that not filing your taxes on time is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t filing an extension.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially our Procrastinators

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Some procrastinating items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally procrastinating subscribers.

Link of the Day

Three Great Reasons to Pay Your Taxes (or Else)!

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.