Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Another Assault on America
- BLUEGRASS RIFLE ASSOCIATION SPOKESMAN BILLY BOB CARBINE says the White House is all set to ignore The Constitution, surround himself with children at an orchestrated photo-op, and pull the trigger on 19 Gun-Grabbing Executive Orders today, but Texas Republican Congressman Steve Stockman threatened to file articles of impeachment against Obama if he institutes gun control measures with an executive order. Unfortunately, The Blower doesn’t think it’ll be anywhere near as effective as Charlton Heston’s “From My Cold Dead Hands Speech,” that got a standing ovation at the 2000 National Rifle Association Convention.
Remember when Chris Rock said, “Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”
IN CONGRESS, House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Ed Royce (R-CA) says Hillary Clinton will be testifying before the committee on January 23 to answer questions about the September 11, 2012 terrorist attack on U.S. diplomatic facilities in Benghazi, Libya. You could probably get some pretty good odds on that bet.- IN COLUMBUS, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says the State Board of Education unanimously re-elected Cincinnati Republican Debe Terhar to a second two-year term as president yesterday. Does being one of Charles Foster Kane’s Faux Facebook Friends have its advantages or what? Unfortunately, Republican Ohio Treasurer Josh Mandel was not included on that vital list, and he just found out he was only the Ohio RINO Party’s “seventh choice” to be humiliated in last year’s U.S. Senate race by running against Disingenuous DemocRAT Sherrod Brown.
IN HAMILTON COUNTY, GOP Commissioner Me, Greg Hartmann is inviting everybody to show up after today’s Hamilton County Commissioner meeting and watch him being given the oath of office at yet another meaningless swearing in ceremony. Irate residents who just had their property taxes jacked up to give more money to greedy sports team owners like “Millionaire Mike” Brown could always stop by and sweat AT the Republican Tax-Raiser.- DOWN AT THE FISHWRAP, Metro Mole says everybody’s still snickering at Idiotorial Page Editor David Holthaus’ homoerotic ode to Cincinnati Mayoral Candidate, Little Lord John Joseph Cranley on Sunday. Meanwhile, how about Barry Horstman’s exclusive front-page story about all those Hamilton County Vote Frauders? Barry, who claims his guiding principle is “printing what someone else does not want printed,” did not print the political party these Vote Criminals were supporting. Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka and RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP were both quoted in the story. You’d think one of them would’ve made the point.
- REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: It seems that a flyer is circulating around Delhi Township claiming to be from the infamous blog, Republicans for Higher Taxes. However, they were uninvolved with it. Republicans for Higher Taxes say anything they distribute in the community would also be found on their website. If it’s not on their site, it’s not from them.
IN ANDERSON: The first line for this week’s limerick contest is “In Anderson, our Disgraceful Trustee,” and so many people have e-mailed limericks to The Blower after what some people might call “sloppy work” on the part of “JayWalking Joe” Deters’ prosecutors that allowed Masturbating Anderson Township Trustee Kevin O’Brien to “get off” on a technicality for trying to “get off” in front of a Wellborn woman last May, Trustee “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says residents are now invited to read their limericks at tomorrow night’s Monthly Trustees Meeting at the Anderson Government Center, and the Russler promises that he will personally see that it is televised live on Anderson Community TV. Anderson Township Women’s Groups also plan to be there to circulate petitions asking Hamilton County’s New Sheriff Jim Neil’s Deputies to conduct a “Penis Lineup,” so the proper charge might be filed.
In a related story, The Blower is responding to Francine the Fanatical Feminist’s protest that the list in last Saturday’s e-dition catalogued only “Male Masturbation” terms, and says if we really wanted to be fair-and-balanced, we would be providing a list of “Female Masturbation” terms as well. Whistleblower Researcher Fearless Ferrett is all over that story like a muff diver on mescaline, and Straus & Troy’s Joe Braun is negotiating with his favorite client, Patty Brisbane at Dildo World, to sponsor the list.
TOO BUSY GLOATING: Were our so-called anti-taxers at COAST busy patting themselves on the back when they published a picture of the now empty offices of Disgraced Former Congresswoman “Mean Jean” Schmidt? Perhaps they might’ve provided a greater public service, had they provided the location of “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s office, since he was the candidate they supported, now that he’s been in Congress for nearly two weeks, and his Top Two Overpaid Staffers (Chief of Staff Derek Harley and District Representative John Stanton) haven’t yet figured out how to send out a press release, advising constituents to fight all that traffic on Beechmont Avenue until they finally reach 7954, directly across the street from the Anderson Tea Party Headquarters. But it’s no big deal, since neither of those two guys lives in Ohio’s Second Congressional District or voted for their new boss anyway. Maybe the Forest Hills Urinal will publish the right information this week.
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Obama’s Bitch McConnell probably won’t be facing a credible primary challenger in 2014, giving the GOP Senate Minority Leader more opportunities to cave in to Obama and the Disingenuous DemocRATS on raising the $16.4 trillion deficit without offsetting spending cuts.
Conservative groups (like FreedomWorks, the Club for Growth and the Senate Conservatives Fund) don’t have a viable Republican candidate, and Conservative Kentucky U.S. Senator Rand Paul presently supports McConnell, while the Bluegrass Tea Party has gone all wobbly about only supporting candidates who won’t raise taxes.
- HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1920, Prohibition took effect, and tonight, Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith will have a few toddies for their bodies to celebrate, and our Quote for Today Committee chose George Burns’ “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”
- FINALLY, AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if Typical Obama Voters were really as stupid as he says. “Even stupider,” Kane explained.
Responding to an exclusive Whistleblower report that Most Obama Supporters didn’t have the slightest idea of whom or what they were voting for, one of those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Supporters wanted to blame Republicans in Congress for not giving Obama everything he wanted. Kane wanted to ask her how she felt about how much her taxes had increased, but he wasn’t holding his breath waiting for her answer.
And will wonders never cease? Obama Phone Lady now says she’s darn sure she won’t vote for Obama again.
GUN CONTROL HOT LINE
e-mail your executive orders today.
Some half-cocked items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally half-cocked subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Link of the Day
Penn and Teller: Gun Control is Bullshit!
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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