Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
Here’s our First Official Prediction for 2013: GOP House Speaker John Boehner will be blamed for the failure to avoid sending America over that “Fiscal Cliff.” —Whistleblower Political Prognosticator Nostradamus Tadwell- You saw how serious Obama was about avoiding the Fiscal Cliff when he left the negotiations to Vice President Joke Biden. —Late Night TV Jokewatchers
- There’s no cause for alarm. Obama just signed our pay raises. —Clueless in Congress
- For not caving in before the New Year’s Eve deadline, will The Blower still be endorsing me when the Republican Caucus selects is new Speaker on Thursday? —John Boehner
- Didn’t anybody notice when government borrowing reached its$16.394 Trillion Debt Limit on Monday? —Obama’s Treasury Secretary “Turbotax Timmy” Geithner
- See-nothing really bad happened when the country went over that Fiscal Cliff at midnight. So now when do we get some more free stuff? —Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Voters
- Did you see that video mocking us? —Celebrities Against Guns
- Only in Washington, DC can 536 individuals sit around debating a set of alternatives that at best would bring in enough revenue to cover a few days of deficit and contain no actual reduction in spending, and still claim they’re doing a good job. —Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus
- That’s why we chose Ronald Reagan’s: “We don’t have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven’t taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
- Now that I’m hospitalized for a “mysterious” ailment and even more mysterious treatment, I can’t possibly testify about Benghazi. —Hillary
- Now that “Taxmageddon” has officially arrived, we’ll have to find some other important event to countdown in the lower right hand corner of our web page. —Whistleblower Countdowners
Did everybody send in his last-minute 2012 Donation to help us “keep up the momentum” that turned the Buckeye State “Blue” in November? —Ohio RINO Party Boss Boob Bennett- At yesterday’s meeting of Romney Supporters Anonymous in Goshen, I showed everybody that letter in the Boston Globe that said the GOP might have been saved if only Romney had chosen me for his running mate. — Rob “Fighting for Facetiousness” Portman
- Eeny, Meeny, Miney Moe, how many of Leis’ cronies are gonna go? —Incoming Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil
- When do we get to start some more taxing and spending? —Cincinnati’s Extreme Liberal City Clown-Cil Who’re All Set To Help Our Girly Mayor Build His Legacy
- As soon as I’m out of office, The Whistleblower will cease and desist all negative comments about me for all time, right? —That Lame-Duck, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-and-paid-For, Tax-and-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch “Mean Jean” Schmidt
- Check out the latest information about my new Congressional office in Anderson Township. —Ohio’s Second District Congressman-elect “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup
- It’s right across the street from our headquarters. —Anderson Tea Party
- Judge Fanon Rucker is scheduled to hear my latest spurious Motion to Dismiss those charges in my Public Masturbation Trial next Tuesday at 9 AM. —Disgraced Anderson Township Trustee Kevin O’Brien
- Please don’t ask what we ever accomplish at our annual New Year’s Day Photo Ops. —Anderson Peace Protesters
So with all that money “Millionaire Mike” Brown will be raking in from the playoffs, please don’t ask why he’s not paying his own maintenance next year. —Hamilton County Republican Commissioners Me. Greg Hartmann and Chris Monzel- On this date In 45 B.C., New Year’s Day was celebrated on January 1 for the first time in history as the Julian calendar took effect. —Hurley the Historian
- Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
- We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People
- Please tell the yoofs this year’s Kwanzaa Cinci-Bration ends today! —Kwanzaa Klaus
- We’re trying not to let the details slip about Charles Foster Kane’s surprise birthday party next week. —Political Insiders at the Conservative Agenda
- Was it true that one of Kane’s resolutions was to visit the “lizard museum” this year? —Answers in Genesis
- We’re waiting to hear if Kane’s “Kinder, Gentler” New Year’s Resolution would force him to disassociated himself with us. —The Cabal of NoKY Attorneys Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters
Miss Vicki is even askingourBeloved Whistleblower Publisher to arrange a big surprise birthday party for her too next week. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo- Tell Miss Vicki “Women improve with age. The older I get, the more I like them.” —Bobby Leach
- Would we have to close all the banks and government buildings on Miss Vicki’s Birthday, like we do for MLK Day? — Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders
- Can I tell my story about how I kicked young E. Rob’s ass on his first case when he was but a lowly assistant prosecutor? —Feisty Lady Lawyer Linda Smith
- How many young boys would be invited to Miss Vicki’s Birthday Party? —Cougars in Ft. Mitchell
- Will you have to pay for your own drinks like at my parties? —Clueless Marc Wilson
- Will there be booster seats? —Steve “I’m 5’0, not 4’11” Megerle
- Don’t forget that extra booze. —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer
- Could I try to sell a few books? —Rick “The Batboy” Robinson
- How many people who’d like to replace me in Congress will be there? —Goof Doofus
- I’ll bring the handcuffs. —Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl
- If you don’t get an invitation, can you still show up? —Some Guy Named Steve
- Which New Year’s Day bowl game are The Bungals playing in today? —TV 19’s Trish the Dish
- Sheree Paolello says that’s really one of those dumb blonde jokes, right? —Jack Atherton, (Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you wanted to send me a Christmas present)
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Obsessive Compulsive Obama Supporters to show that white guilt-ridden, Volvo-driving, Birkenstock-wearing, bottled-water-drinking liberals will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who got sucked into hosting an Obama Second Coronation Bash on Inauguration Day.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially Tom and Rose.
MORE FAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS HOT LINE
e-mail your satirical suggestions today.
Some fake New Year’s Resolution items in today’s Blower were sent in by our fake New Year’s Resolution-making subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Link of the Day
Liberal Media blames the Tea Party for the Fiscal Cliff
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
