Friday, January 11, 2013
What a Difference a Year Made
NO WONDER ALL THOSE ROMNEY SUPPORTERS ANONYMOUS ARE STILL SO DEPRESSED: Think of how much things have changed since last year when Noted New Hampshire Political Reporter Manchester Tadwell reported that state’s First-in-the-Nation Primary was finally over, and the results were just as The Blower predicted: Mitt Romney’s Super PAC had beaten the Super PACs of Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich by a wide margin.
And then it would be on to South Carolina, where The Blower would be covering the January 21 South Carolina Primary, and from the capital city of Columbia, Legendary Political Reporter Gamecock Tadwell would be bringing us all the news.
And Republicans were really happy looking forward with hope and optimism because the GOP had all those great presidential candidates. Any one of them could’ve beaten Obama. We heard that every day. The Blower was even counting down the days until the election. The count last January 11 was a mere “299” days. Now we’re looking forward to another “1470 Days of a Divided America During Obama’s Second Term.”
If only somebody had figured on all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Supporters who are now getting exactly what they voted for. Some people today even call them “Low Information Voters” because of how stupid they are.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says speaking of the “Palmetto State,” on this date in 1775, Francis Salvador became the first Jew to be elected in the Americas, taking his seat on the South Carolina Provincial Congress. In June 1776, Salvador became known as the “Southern Paul Revere” when he warned Charleston, South Carolina, of the approaching British naval fleet. On August 1 of the same year, while leading a militia group Salvador was wounded and then scalped by the Cherokees. Maybe that’s why so few Jews have run for office in South Carolina ever since. If only Graydon Head would open an office in Charleston!
LAST YEAR IN WASHINGTON, our DC Newsbreaker said everybody was talking about what Roland Mesnier had to say about Bill Clinton’s eating habits. The former White House pastry chef (from the Carter Administration through George W. Bush) called what our sex-crazed former Pants-Dropper-in-Chief used to put in his mouth “scary.” Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception thought he knows why.
Today in DC, everybody’s talking about Slick Willie’s being named “Father of the Year” by something called the National Father’s Day Council, whatever in hell that is, probably for the same reason. Recently a reporter asked Bill Clinton how’s Hillary’s head, and he replied, “Not bad, but she’s no Monica.”
- LAST YEAR IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders said Ohio’s very public GOP power struggle was still cause for concern. Governor Kasich’s push to replace Ohio RINO Party (ORP) chairman Kevin DeWhine had serious national implications: the Issue 2 campaign proved just how low DemocRATS, Progressives, and Big Labor were willing to go to ruin the Buckeye State, and Sherrod Brown (not to mention Obama) couldn’t have been happier.
LAST YEAR IN OH2: Portman’s Protégée (That Lame-Duck, Corrupt, Evicted, Lying, Plagiarizing, Meddling, Overblown, Bought-And-Paid-For, Tax-And-Spend, Wrinkle-Puss RINO Bitch-In-A-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt’s) sent out an e-mail claiming to be a Citizen Against Government Waste “Taxpayer Hero.” But that was before The Campaign for Primary Accountability spent half-a-gazillion dollars telling GOP Primary Voters in Ohio’s Second Congressional District to vote for somebody else. Not to worry about a little thing like an election: “Mean Jean’s” offices in Kenwood, Portsmouth, and Washington DC were still listed in the Forest Hills Urinal’s “Official Directory” in its Wednesday edition.- LAST YEAR IN HAMILTON COUNTY: Semper Si Leis was promising Sean Donovan there’d be no problem getting his chief deputy elected to replace him as Sheriff when he retired, especially since the Hamilton County RINO Party Chairman Alex T. Mall Cop GOP would be pulling out all the stops to hold on to that vital Republican county office.
- LAST YEAR IN CINCINNATI: Liz Rogers’Mahogany Grill was already getting a city loan of $300,000 for machinery and she also wanted another $500,000 for decorations and stuff. That was $800,000 just to put a black-owned restaurant at the Banks! How many plates of greasy food will it take to repay the city? Whistleblower Freebie Gourmet Martin Upchuck bet it wouldn’t stay in business long enough to pay back our city over-taxed payers.
The Blower was also predicting we’d be hearing from Phil Burr-ass at Citizens for Community Values about the Gay Guy on Cincinnati Clown-cil’s push for domestic partners benefits, already signed by everybody on the City’s Extreme Liberal Clown-cil, except The Windbag. Not surprisingly, Retired Cleveland Pain Dealer News Hawk Turned Bellwether Blogger Bill Sloat was reporting Burr-Ass was promising a lawsuit. The Blower wonders whatever happened after all that hot air.
LAST YEAR IN ANDERSON: Trustee President “In Russ We Trust” Jackson wasn’t sure of which people to be included on the Whistleblower’s Official List of the Top 50 Most Fascinating People in Anderson Township to be announced later that year, but he was working on his own list of Anderson Township’s Top 50 Masturbating Residents.- LAST YEAR IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo reported Tea Party favorite Thomas Massie of Vanceburg was then seeking to replace Goof Doofus as Congressman in Kentucky’s Fourth District and Ryan Hogan of Bowling Green (one of Senator Rand Paul’s top aides) would be Massie’s campaign manager. The Blower predicted this guy might just have a chance.
Also last year on this date, the CamBoozler offered to bring Miss Vicki some extra birthday candles for her party, in case the box she’D bought didn’t have enough.
FINALLY AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane why last year nobody had figured on all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Supporters during the Republican Primaries. “The consensus at that time was that people really couldn’t be that stupid,” Kane explained. “Unfortunately for our Divided States of America during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, they were.”
Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose H. L. Mencken’s “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”
Stories We’re Working On
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Obama says Deficit Reduction not a worthy goal - Dems seek more tax increases
- Hollywood won’t curb film violence
- Marine Corps requires Spouse Clubs to allow same-sex members
- Will “Mean Jean” crash State of the Union Address?
- Scalping Portman’s free inauguration tickets
- Obama says “The best is yet to come.”
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said so many people are rushing to buy guns these days:
(A) Obama put Joke Biden in charge of gun control: 2%
(B) Teachers need to protect themselves from deranged students: 1%
(C) Elected officials and celebrities use guns to protect themselves: 3%
(D) Support the Second Amendment: 94%
Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!
Conservative Challenges
This week, everybody who says Liberal Media reports of all that infighting among GOP Presidential Candidates is only a distraction from all those important issues facing our nation, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Card-carrying Conservative Gary Boldwater, who wonders if sucking up to the Tea Party will allow all those RINOs to keep their jobs. Gary wins a commemorative “Red” map of Ohio before Hamilton County turned “blue,” a “Save Us, Alex” bumper sticker, and a promise of a $50,000-per year job at 700 Walnut Street for his own soon to be divorced spouse. His winning entry is:
So what should Conservatives do now?
The Dems will win the next row.
‘Cause any guy knows
With all of those RINOs
They would win if they only knew how
And from the Anderson Laureate we have another poignant political prognostication:
So what should conservatives do now?
What will the current climate allow?
If I could for a fact
I’d impeach Mr. Barack
And see what happens to the Dow.
Obama picks people like Hagel
Who really knows how to inveigle?
Chuck loves Iran
And they think he’s a good man
But he’s not crazy about people who like a bagel.
There were times in the past when we could
Do things that would make our country “good.”
But we’re loaded with lazies,
Left wingers and crazies
And don’t forget the ones in the ‘hood.
If we could I would say we should unite
And give the socialists a good fight
But they have all the power
And get more by the hour
Our country’s in a terrible plight.
So maybe we should all try to pray
That things will get better some day
Hitler, Stalin and Mao
Are all history now
Maybe Obama will go the same way.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“In Anderson, our Disgraceful Trustee”
POLITICAL RHETORIC HOT LINE
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Some fully loaded items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally fully loaded subscribers.
Link of the Day
Chris Rock on Gun Control
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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