Wednesday, January 9, 2013

He Won the Case “Handily!”

• ANGRY ANDERSONIANS were really outraged when Masturbating Trustee Kevin O’Brien got off on a technicality for trying to get off in front of a Wellborn woman last May. Judge Fanon Rucker, the same judge who gave O’Brien a pass on his bond amount when he was first elected, said the evidence didn’t stand up in court when “Jaywalking Joe” Deters’ assistant prosecutors, who were also caught with their pants down, failed to make the charges stick. “The Mad Masturbator slipped right through our fingers this time,” the Jaywalker sadly admitted.

Now everybody’s wondering if the Hyde Park Flasher will use the same defense.

• OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jay Leno’s, “Today DemocRATS said they want another trillion dollars in taxes. Didn’t we just give them $620 billion last Wednesday? Is that gone already? Who is running the country, ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?’ ”
• G-UNCONTROL UPDATE: While the push for more gun control is under way by Obama and Vice President Joke Biden is well underway, Political Media’s Larry Ward has launched a website and a movement titled “Gun Appreciation Day” on January 19 for gun owners and proponents of the Second Amendment to show their support for the right to keep and bear arms by showing up “en masse at gun stores and shows, along with target ranges from coast to coast.”
• YESTERDAY’S “MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT SIGHTING: According to several reports at Tuesday night’s Clermont Tea Party Meeting, a woman answering the description of our disgraced former Ohio Second District Congresswoman was seen stacking boxes of Turkish Delight candy in the Turkish Food Section at Jungle Jim’s.

Schmidtheads are still asking The Blower to take it easy on our Bitch-in-a-Ditch, now that she’s out of Congress. Does that mean all those tax increases she voted for are being rescinded, just because she’s out of office, or if all the wasteful spending she supported is going to be unspent? No? Then why should we take it easy on her? “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman says, “If the consequences of her votes are permanent for the people, then why shouldn’t they be permanent for her?”

People are still driving up and down Beechmont Avenue looking for Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s office across the street from the Anderson Tea Party Headquarters. Maybe “Bronze Star’s Inexperienced-and-Incompetent Transition Team should hire somebody to dress up in a clown suit and wave a sign in front of the building 7954 Beechmont Avenue.

• THE CINCINNATI MESS (You’ll only read about in The Blower): Liz Rogers, who owns that Million Dollar Over-Taxed Payer Funded Soul Food Bistro at The Banks,can’t run two restaurants at once! That surely comes as a surprise, doesn’t it? Didn’t she use the  Hamilton restaurant as collateral for the one she opened downtown? Now she’s closed the one in Hamilton and hoping some poor sucker takes it off her hands.
• SENIOR SPOILED SPORTS EDITOR ANDY FURBALL says Notre Dame Coach Brian Kelly looked like he was still coaching UC at a BCS Bowl when his team got blown out of the Championship game Monday night.
• INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST FEARLESS FERRETT says many people will be surprised when they learn more about that woman with six felonies in Ohio who’s been active in Hamilton County RINO Party politics for several years. This is only a criminal records check, and if you check court records, you might find some more interesting information.
• HAMILTON COUNTY REAL ESTATE TAXES: Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering says “Your Jacked Up Tax Bill is in the mail and you have until midnight on January 31 to get the money in, or our Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor will publish your name in The Fishwrap, along with all those other deadbeats.”
• IN COLUMBUS: Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says Disgraced Former Ohio Gayvenor Ted Strickland may not be challenging GOP Governor John Kasich’s for re-election after all. But rest assured, the Dishonest DemocRATS will soon announce a candidate and they’ll raise millions of dollars for attack ads. We’re surprised Republicans aren’t already asking you for money.
• CONTEST WINNER: Pictured here is the winner of this year’s Whistleblower Elvis Look-a-like Contest.
• IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo reports Naomi Judd says her Hollywood Moonbat Daughter Ashley is still considering a U.S. Senate run against Obama’s Bitch McConnell. These days they might get a lot of help from the Northern Kentucky Tea Party.
• NEWS GAFFE AT 11: Did Sheree Paolello really tell us all that there was a major accident at the Daniel Carter Bridge and I-275? That must’ve been a really long accident.
• HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this day in 1493, when Christopher Columbus, sailing near the Dominican Republic, saw three “mermaids,” he described them as “not half as beautiful as they are painted.” Which brings us to why Horny in Hebron, like most men, says “Republican women are hotter.”
• FINALLY, at Monday’s celebrity party for Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s “significant” birthday was supposed to be a surprise. Miss Vicki sent him an e-card, our Presidential Scholar said “Happy Birthday on his iPhone, and our Virtual Redhead Vivacious Vicky left birthday greetings on Kane’s Faux Facebook Page. and Our Belligerent Black Blogger Nate “Rhymes with Hate” Livingston said, “Happy Birthday, You Rotten Bastard.” Mrs. Kane even invited her wonderful husband to lunch. The missus must’ve had a cancellation. And those text messages from Obama and Beechmont Toyota were really special. Kane’s former assistant “Cratchit” sent gold, frankincense, and myrrh. How appropriate was that? But the bad news is: now our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher is no longer a “sextegenarian.” We guess that now makes him an over-sexed-tegenearian. He can only wish.

Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Maurice Chevalier’s “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”

So how did the Incredibly Shrinking Fishwrap celebrate Kane’s Birthday Bash? They published a front-page story whining about how local projects would be affected by the decline of Southwest Ohio’s clout in Columbus.

KEVIN O’BRIEN MASTURBATION HOT LINE

e-mail how helpful hints today.

Some masturbating elected official items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally masturbating elected official, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.

Link of the Day

How to Wrap a Present

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