Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

• We’re shocked and angry that our paychecks are smaller this year. —Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span Obama Supporters Getting Exactly What They Deserve
• Isn’t it ironic that Obama’s become our best salesman? —Gun Dealers of America
• I actually reintroduced a bill in Congress on Friday to repeal the 22nd Amendment, which would allow Obama to become President for Life.—Dysfunctional NY DemocRAT Jose Serrano
• While DemocRATS are now calling for another Trillion Dollar Tax Hike, would anybody ever believe me if I claimed I was ruling out higher taxes? —Obama’s Bitch McConnell
• How come people think we lost that vote making the Bush Tax Cuts permanent. —Republicans in Congress
• I need this job like a hole in the head. —Republican House Speaker John Boehner
• Can you imagine Steve Chabothead now representing all us swells in Indian Hill? —Camargo County Club Members
• Did we do a great job gerrymandering Southwest Ohio Congressional Districts or what? —Ohio Congressional Redistricting Commission
• Although the Greater Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky’s House delegation (Chabot, Massie, and Wenstrup) voted against a bloated aid package for victims of Superstorm Sandy because there were no spending cuts to offset the additional spending, I could not bring myself to vote for such fiscal constraint. —Terrace Park Republican U.S. Senator Rob “Fighting for Feel Good Legislation” Portman
• Were Goof Doofus’ Replacement Thomas Massie and I the only two local Ohio and Kentucky Republicans to vote against that Crap Sandwich Fiscal Bill Obama’s Bitch McConnell came up with? —Rand Paul, Making His Dad Ron Paul Proud
• We’re now hoping Benghazi-Gate is the Treasonous-and-Impeachable Criminal Enterprise that can bring Obama down. —Overheard at the Romney Supporters Anonymous Meeting in Goshen
• On this date in 1946, the first General Assembly of the United Nations, comprising 51 nations, convened at Westminster Central Hall in London, England. So whose bonehead idea was it to bring those parasites to the United States anyway? —Hurley the Historian
• Although only 8% now admit they’re members of the Tea Party, our meeting at the Holiday Inn Eastgate at 7PM is still on. —Clermont Tea Party Patriots
• Please take it easy on “Mean Jean” Schmidt, now that she’s out of Congress. Hate is a horrible thing. —An Anonymous Schmidthead
• Whistleblower readers should like Ohio Senate President-elect Keith Faber. As a public backer of Senate Bill 5, the Celina Republican is well-known for his aggressiveness. —Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders
• Please don’t ask what over-taxed payers have received for that paltry $42 million we’ve already pissed away on Girly Mayor Mark Mallory’s Trolley Folly Boondoggle that now won’t be ready until at least 2016. —Cincinnati’s Extreme Liberal City Clown-Cil, Busy Working on Mallory’s Legacy
• Wait till you hear about some of the great candidates we’re recruiting these days. —Hamilton County RINO party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP
• Many people will be surprised when they learn more about that woman with six felonies in Ohio who’s been active in Hamilton County RINO Party politics for several years. —Investigative Journalist Fearless Ferrett
• A penny for Julie SellYourSoul’s thoughts seems a bit pricey. —Disgruntled CFT Union Members
• Isn’t it amazing how many of us were rooting for Alabama in last night’s college football championship game? —UC Boosters
• I hope everyone appreciates the 0 playoff wins I’ve delivered in my 22 years as Bungals Owner. Now give me all your money. —Greedy Millionaire Mike Brown
• Yes, sir! Yes, sir! Three bags full! —Republican Hamilton County Commissioners Greg “Tax Hike” Hartmann and Chris Monzel
• You can’t believe how many people are wishing me Happy Birthday on my Faux Facebook Page these days. How did they ever know? —Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane
• Please tell your Beloved Whistleblower Publisher we mailed everybody’s re-estate tax bills on Monday in honor of his birthday. —Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering
• If I show up for myPublic Masturbation Trial at 9AM this morning, I bet you’re wondering if the evidence will stand up in court. —Disgraced Anderson Township Trustee Kevin O’Brien
• Is Ohio’s Second Congressional District Office really located in our neighborhood? —Anderson Area Chamber of Commerce
• Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
• We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People
• The reason we don’t have much Northern Kentucky News this morning must be because everybody’s out buying presents for Miss Vicki’s Birthday on Friday. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
• That’s why we chose Robert Frost’s “A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
• Will that Chippendale guy be popping out of Miss Vicki’s cake again this year? —Cougars From Fort Mitchell
• Please thank Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception for including us in his rendition of Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s Birthday Bash. —Howard Wilkinson, Laure “Not So” Cleanlivin, Ohio GOP Governor John Kasich, Lady Ga Ga, Roseanne Barr, President of Iran, Mayor Mallory, Trish “the Dish,” Mitt Romney, Hillary, “JayWalking Joe” Deters, Foxy Roxy, Vladimir Putin, “Millionaire Mike” Brown, Obama’s Mooch, the Birthday Boy, Whoopi Cushion, Sarah Baby, and Bill Springerinham

• Clowns to the left of you, Jokers to the right, here we are, Stuck in the middle with you. —Long-time Whistleblower Readers
• How cold is it supposed to get this week? —TV 19’s Trish the Dish
• Sheree Paolello used to always ask how warm it was when I wore my winter wig. —Jack Atherton, (Channel 22.45 in Dayton in case you wanted to knit me a head warmer)

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This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially Kneepad Liberals in the Press.

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