Monday, January 7, 2013
Happy Birthday, Millard!
Hurley the Historian says today’s celebrity birthdays include three American icons: Millard Fillmore, 13th president of these United States; Paul Revere, the New England Patriot who rode through every Middlesex village and farm to warn that the British were coming; and of course, Our Very Own Beloved Whistleblower Publisher, Charles Foster Kane.
Millard Fillmore’s birthday was once again ignored by the entire nation. Children at the Failed Cincinnati Public Schools didn’t have “The Ride of Paul Revere” read to them, and although Charles Foster Kane did have a 33-cent postage stamp issued in his honor a few years ago, his birthday has not yet been declared an official national holiday, where slackers get paid to stay home.
Retired Cleveland Pain Dealer news hawk turned Bellwether blogger Bill Sloat once said his former employer’s publication was also born on January 7. Imagine: two of the nation’s greatest journalistic voices were begat on the same date. What a hideous cosmic joke!
Sometimes banks and government offices are closed to observe Kane’s birthday and there is no mail delivery, but that’s only when January 7 falls on Saturday or Sunday.
Once again this year, Quisling Charlie Luken didn’t read a proclamation on Fountain Square. For one thing, the Quis is now thankfully no longer the Mayor. For another, the Quis finally sobered up and remembered how much he has truly detested Kane, ever since Our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher wouldn’t stop laughing when the then irate anchorman called Kane up and spewed expletives over the phone at him because some subtle suggestion had appeared in The Blower about amorous adulterous acrobatics going on in the TV 5 newsroom, and about which the whole town was talking at the time.
That was just one of the political peccadilloes that will be recounted at today’s surprise celebrity birthday party for our Beloved Publisher, along with:
A congratulatory Skype phone call from Kane’s long-time friend, now Speaker of the House John Boehner, promising not to cave into Obama during the upcoming Debt Ceiling Negotiations.
Several Happy Birthday Greetings from our The Whistleblower’s Faux Facebook Friends.
A Secret Tweet from “Mean Jean” Schmidt, dispelling rumors about her mysterious absence.
A request from that Cabal of NoKY Lawyers Still Out to Destroy Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) for Kane to abandon his “Kinder, Gentler New Year’s Resolution,” and never to forget his Beloved Whistleblower Motto:
Let’s all say it together: “Because wherever there’s corruption, we’ll be there. Wherever there’s injustice, we’ll be there. And wherever there’s a bunch of big guys beating up on a little guy, we’ll be there too…holding the little guy down.”
Also from Northern Kentucky, e-mail birthday greetings from Miss Vicki, in which our fabulous femme will include a list of her sizes and names of better stores where she’s registered, just in case anybody wanted to buy her a nice present to celebrate HER birthday next week. Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Jack Benny’s: “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
But best of all, Kane will receive sentimental birthday greetings from Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, which were included his new book, “The Best Loved Poems of America,” featured at better bookstores everywhere:
I hear you’re having a birthday,
But I know not which one.
I do know that, however,
You’re too old to have any fun.
Another birthday rolls around,
Another year has fled,
Disappointment fills the air,
Alas, you’re still not dead.
Your step has slowed,
Your eyes are weak,
Your ancient pecker,
Seems to have sprung a leak.
Your pep has left you,
Your get up has gone,
You stay in bed,
To hell with the dawn.
Tho once your hopes were high,
You’re forced to aim them lower.
All you can do is sit on your ass,
And write that damned Whistleblower.
Now from Award-winning illustrator Artis Conception’s Archives, we see some of the folks who virtually showed up at a few of Kane’s previous surprise birthday parties. And all day today, we’ll be wondering who’ll be showing up tonight!
CELEBRITY BIRTHDAY WISHES HOT LINE
e-mail your sincerest sentiments today.
Some happy birthday wishing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally happy birthday wishing subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Links of the Day
The Happy Happy Birthday Song
PLUS
Three Stooges Birthday Greeting
Who Shares Your Birthday?
Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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