Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers

• With only “27” more days until the Presidential Elections, we’re amazed at what a difference a week makes. Just seven days ago, conventional wisdom said Presidential Debates never change campaigns. —Perplexed Presidential Historians
• The only people who looked worse than Obama after the DemocRAT Debate Debacle in Denver were us. —Obama Supporters in the Press
• On Sunday, Obama apologized to us for screwing up in the debate. That was the least he could’ve done for all that money we’ve wasted on him. —Obama’s Rich Hollywood Celebrity Donors
• Please don’t ask how much of that $181 Million September haul Obama raised was illegal. —Obama Fundraisers
• Please don’t ask how many of our churches took part in “Pulpit Freedom Sunday,” when our pastors ignored the law and endorsed Romney, just like Black preachers always do for Obama. —Caucasian Clergymen
• On Monday, Obama marked Columbus Day by issuing a proclamation that reflects “on the tragic burdens tribal communities bore” in the years that followed the discovery of the New World by Christopher Columbus.—Obama Apologists of the Day
• Yesterday on Columbus Day we learned that Christopher Columbus was a DemocRAT. He took off not knowing where he was going. When he got there he didn’t know where he was. When he got back he didn’t know where he’d been. And he did it all using someone else’s money. —King Ferdinand
• It was no fair. Obama should’ve been allowed to use his teleprompter at last week’s debate. —Obama Supporters on Campus
• Stop worrying, DemocRATS. I’m taking six days off from the campaign to lower expectations for my Thursday night debate with Paul Ryan. —Obama’s Obama’s Gaffe-a-Minute Buffoon VP Joe Biden
• And just to show how fair and impartial I can be, I won’t even be wearing my Obama button when I moderate the debate. —ABC News Chief Foreign Correspondent Martha Raddatz
• How timely was it when I delivered a major foreign policy address on Monday comparing Benghazi to the original 9/11? —Stormin’ Mormon Mitt Romney
• On this date in 1918, United States Corporal Alvin C. York reportedly killed over 20 German soldiers and captured an additional 132 in the Argonne Forest near the Meuse River in France all by himself. The exploits later earned York the Congressional Medal of Honor. If such a thing were to happen today, Obama Supporters in the Press would be calling Sergeant York a war criminal, and Obama’s Attorney General Eric Holder would be impaneling a grand jury to see if excessive force was used in capturing all those poor, misunderstood Krauts. —Hurley the Historian
• Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if I were sleeping with the disgraceful devious fire fighter Edwynna Lyttle, so it would only be right to use my influence to keep her from being fired from the fire department? The sex wouldn’t have to be that good, but I just like the sound of “Dough Boy and Do-Little.” —Cincinnati City Mangler Dough Boy Honey
• Is DemocRAT Candidate for Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil really filing a complaint with the Ohio Elections Commission against me for illegal campaign tactics? —Sean Donovan
• We got our ballots last week and filled them out Saturday. It felt weird to vote before the Bungals were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. —Suburban Soreheads Who Couldn’t Wait to Vote This Year
• I’m not saying there’s a lot of DemocRAT vote fraud going on, but I saw the homeless-looking guy wave and say “see you all tomorrow” to the Board of Elections BureaucRATS after he cast his ballot. —Conservative Curmudgeon
• The closest I got to an editorial board during my visit to Cincinnati on Friday was my meeting with Charles Foster Kane. I told the Beloved Whistleblower Publisher not to worry about my standing in the polls because I didn’t want to peak too early. —Looney Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson
• Think how many people would’ve shown up to buy gas for $1.84-per-gallon (the price when Obama took office) on Sunday at the Marathon Station on Cleves Warsaw Pike if we’d only promoted the event properly? —Americans for Prosperity
• Maybe even more than the number of people who showed up for the group’s free breakfast at our place on Monday? —Bob Evans in Eastgate
• You mean two hours wasn’t more than enough lead time to promote Master Debate Coach Rob “Fighting for Free Phones” Portman’s appearance at the Eastgate Victory Center Monday afternoon? —Republican Disorganizers
• How much should I be willing to pay a scalper this afternoon for tickets to games four and five of the Reds Playoffs this week? —Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather
• My attorney really saved my reputation Monday when he got me to plead guilty to being a slut. —Former Bungal Cheerleader Sarah Jones
• The judge could have married my client and her underage student lover right after she pled guilty to a felony, but that would have denied me another round of media interviews. —Crazy Eric
• Does anybody know any good quotes about sluts? —Your Quote for Today Committee
• Trish the Dish said she was going to ask that question. —Channel 19 Short Attention Span News at 6:30 PM
• No fair, I wanted to ask that question first. — Channel 5’s Sheree Paolello

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 Sometimes The Blower makes fun of slutty teachers to show that having sex with your underage students is not always acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a member of the Teachers Union.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially clients of “Crazy Eric” Deters.

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