Another “Friday the Thirteenth” E-dition

Friday, July 13, 2012

Happy Friday the Thirteenth, Everybody!

  • Our Garrulous Grammarian says the first thing we need to do is to explain the difference between “Triskaidekaphobia” and “Paraskevidekatriaphobia”

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number thirteen. It comes from “treiskaideka,” the Greek word for thirteen plus “phobia,” which means “fear of,” so Triskaidekaphobia would be “a fear of thirteen.”

Paraskevidekatriaphobia is the Fear of Friday the 13th. The word “paraskevidekatriaphobia” was devised by Dr. Donald Dossey, who told his patients that “when you learn to pronounce it, you’re cured!”

  • Somebody who’s glad he wasn’t scheduled to speak at the National Association for the Advancement of Liberal Colored People Convention on Friday the 13th is Mitt Romney, because it was bad enough the way it was. He got booed by black bigots when he didn’t pander and said he’d overturn ObamaCare. Then every Black Race Baiter in America called a press conference as Liberal Pundits and Obama Supporters in the Press couldn’t stop calling Romney a Racist. PMSNBC claimed Romney’s speech was part of his “Southern Strategy” to appeal to “Racist Voters.” Nutty Nancy Pelosi even claimed Mitt Romney went there just to get booed. Imagine what would’ve happened if Romney announced he planned to indict Obama’s Arrogant Black Attorney General Eric Holder on his first day in office.

Obama’s $172,000 White House Spokes Dweeb Jay Cardboard said Obama didn’t have to waste time talking to the NAALCP, since he expected to get 99% of the black vote, along with everybody else who wanted to get more free stuff from the government, so Joe Biden spoke to an almost empty auditorium at the NAALCP Convention on Thursday. Organizers were blaming the lack of attendance on the rain or on free ribs and watermelon down the street.

Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says the Obama administration is in federal court this week challenging Texas’ new law requiring voters to show photo identification at the polls. Attorney General Eric Holder told the NAALCP yesterday that such laws are like the poll taxes of old intended to keep blacks from voting. But most voters don’t see it that way. Only 21% of Likely U.S. Voters nationwide think it’s discriminatory to require all voters to prove their identity before being allowed to vote. 73% say it’s OK. Even more hypocritical, the NAALCP required photo IDs for people attending their convention. But what’s a little hypocrisy among bigots.

For Romney, it must’ve been like a black candidate speaking to a KKK meeting. Or even worse, a Conservative Male Anti-Taxer like Steve Chabothead appearing before the Idiotorial Board at The Fishwrap.

  • Speaking of whom, you can join the Old Chabothead for the Grand Opening of the Westwood Victory Center located at 2300 Montana Avenue Suite 420 at noon on Friday the 13th. Because whether you’re supporting Mitt Romney, Steve Chabot, Josh Mandel, or one of the local races, they need your help to win this November.
  • Saturday at 10:30 AM, you can attend the Official Grand Opening of the Kenwood Victory Center at 8220 Northcreek Drive. Rob “Fighting for Freebies” Portman is scheduled to announce his chances to be named Romney’s running mate at 11:00 AM.
  • GOP House Speaker John Boehner exposed his bawls again on Wednesday, sobbing at an event posthumously awarding the Congressional Gold Medal to Capitol murals artist Constantine Brumidi. Is that anything to cry about? Boehner’s waterworks have repeatedly landed him in the headlines in recent years. In direct opposition, Boehner seems detracted and devoid of emotion in most of his public speaking.
  • Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says the Reds begin post All-Star Game play tonight a game behind the Pittsburgh Pirates, ready for their weekend beatdown administered at the hands of the Saint Louis Cardinals. Channel 5 Viewers on Warner Cable can catch the scores of the Indiana Earthquake Girls Fast Pitch Softball Team in Terra Haute.
  • Angry Andersonians are wondering if the Forest Hills Urinal will report Dis-Trustee Kevin “Spanky” O’Brien’s appearance at the Anderson Township Park District’s “Farmer In The Dell” program on Thursday night showing children at the animal exhibit and petting zoo how to Choke a Chicken, Milk the Goat, Strangle the Snake, and Pet the Kitty?
  • In Columbus, Buckeye Bureau Chief Gerry Manders says according to the Pain Dealer, Cleveland is second largest TV market for political ads this year. With $17.7 million spent on Cleveland airtime for political commercials through June 24, the political advertising revenue trails that of only one other city, Los Angeles. No wonder Ohio’s recovery is looking up?
  • Hurley the Historian says on this date in 1881, Billy the Kid was shot to death by Sheriff Pat Garrett at the Maxwell Ranch in New Mexico. Did the thirteenth fall on a Friday that year too?
  • Maybe that’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Clint Eastwood’s line from “Dirty Harry”: “Well, do you feel Lucky? Well do ya, Punk?”
  • Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says tomorrow is Bastille Day, and he’ll will be joining Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and Terry “The Smiling Jailer” Carl at what used to be one of Camboo’s pre-boycott favorite fine-dining establishments in Northern Kentucky, Chez Bastille, located at 303 Court Street in Covington. The food was so good, it wasn’t surprising Chez Bastille was so hard to get into. And folks who used to eat there all the time say, “Once you were there, you probably would’ve found it even more difficult to leave.”
  • Finally, Today at the Friday the 13th meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Charles Foster Kane if there’s any chance the news media would be reporting the 2012 campaign fairly and objectively at any time during the next “115” days until the November Elections, and our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher said, “Good luck with that!”

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.

Stories We’re Working On

  • Obama increases debt by $64,000 per taxpayer
  • Michelle tells supporters to multiply
  • Feds peddle Food Stamps on soap operas in Spanish
  • Obama Official says DOE Energy Loan Program has been an “Enormous Success”
  • Harry Reid says “Burn Chinese made US Olympians uniforms”
  • Romney to open 172 more local Victory Centers in July
  • Tim Burka promises Obama will be in Cincinnati for more pandering on Monday

Whistleblower Web Poll

This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Readers Poll respondents said you have to fear most on Friday the 13th:

(A) Walking under a ladder: 2%
(B) Breaking a mirror: 1%
(C) Stepping on a crack and breaking your mother’s back: 1%
(D) Crossing a black cat’s path at the NAALCP Convention, and telling him you’re a Romney supporter: 96%

Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!

Stop Him Before He Masturbates in Your Car

This week, everybody who was really surprised when Kevin P. O’Brien’s enablers at the Forest Hills Urinal forgot to include a photograph of Anderson’s Masturbating Trustee on the front page of Wednesday’s newsrag, e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

The winner is was a young fellow named Merkin, who was always jerkin his gherkin. His father said Merkin, stop jerkin your gherkin, your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin. Maybe Merkin should have thought about going to somewhere like masturbationaddiction.com during all of his time on the internet instead of Pornhub.

Merkin wins an “I Rather Be Masturbating” bumper sticker, a garage full of old porn magazines from Phil Burr-Ass (with all of the pages unstuck), and complete list of Kevin O’Brien baloney bopping jokes read on WLW Hate Radio by Anderson resident Darryl Parks. His winning entry is:

Kevin O’Brien, Anderson’s Masturbating Trustee,
Was a man who was once full of glee.
It was all so much fun,
With a client’s fees he had run
That he just had to whip out his little wee wee.

Here’s one of those new seven line limericks everybody’s talking about.

Kevin O’Brien, Anderson’s Masturbating Trustee
Wins the “Corrupt Public Official” Suburban Grand Prix.
“Whacky Jackie’s” son has the family expertise:
“Whacking” and “jacking” and all kinds of sleaze.
While The Urinal may ignore him pulling his pud
The Blower will continue exposing this dud
‘Cause our job is to stroke the truth, not our own pee-pee.

And from the Anderson Laureate (who says, “Can you believe this guy’s still a trustee?”)

Kevin O’Brien, Anderson’s masturbating trustee
To all his critics, he simply says, “Gee!”
“I just pulled out my wienie
So fragile and teeny,
Gosh, I was only trying to take a pee!”

But his lady friend says that’s a bunch of crap
He’s just trying to beat the latest rap
He was strokin’ and strokin’
So fast it was smokin’
And he wanted her to sit on his lap.

She told the creep to back off,
In her car he wasn’t permitted to jack off.
Though he wanted her to eat it,
She just told him to beat it
And by gosh, he never did slack off!

Our misbehaving, cheating trustee
Grabbed his schwantz and put his hand on a babe’s knee
But while in her car,
He went just a wee bit too far
Guess he’s been watching too much porno TV.

The first line of next week’s limerick is: “More Victory Centers were opened this week”

FRIDAY THE 13TH HOT LINE

E-mail your luckless legends today

Some superstitious items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally superstitious subscribers.

Link of the Day

How Can We Trust Obama To Lead?

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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