MONDAY, DECEMBER 03, 2018
Trump’s 682nd Day In Office December Daze
The Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau says those Amish Christmas Tree Lights are always the biggest event in Adams County during the Yuletide Season. People drive from all over the tri-state just to see them, and this Saturday the occasion will be even more historic, because Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup will be throwing the switch to turn on the display. Call “Bronze Star’s” Office at (513) 474-7777 for a ticket to the VIP Party. Both Jewish families in Adams County will be invited to participate in their homes by lighting candles on their Hanukkah menorahs.
And with Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane and the Conservative Crew from Congress, that event will really rock.
IN TODAY’S NEWS FOR JEWS, just in time for Chanukah, The Blower is checking out that long article in the FAKE NEWS New York Times warning about the supposed health dangers of eating fried potatoes, even though the news it didn’t mention the word “Chanukah” or the latkes.
ALSO IN CLERMONT COUNTY: It’s time for the Crony Chorus to sing the Second Day of “Mean Jean Schmidt’s” Twelve Days of Christmas,” sent in by “Mean Jean’s” Eviler Twin Sister Jennifer Black, after “Mean Jean” was again featured on MTV’s “Awesomely Bad Celebrity Fashions.” It goes something like this:
“On the Second Day of Christmas, ‘Mean Jean’ gave to me,
Two Red Dresses,
And one old Crapper, from Rob Portman’s Legacy.”
Let’s all learn the words so we can sing them at “Mean Jean’s” upcoming Annual Holiday Party later this month, because former U.S. Representative Jean Schmidt is keeping tradition alive with her annual Christmas party. This year it will be held at the Jack casino in downtown Cincinnati on Thursday, December 15 starting at 6:30 p.m. until 9:30 p.m. The public is invited and the casino will provide you with a complimentary $15 voucher for any type of gaming. Just tell Security at the door you are there for the Schmidt event. Schmidt will feature her free buffet including the famous pair of peeing cherubs dispensing flowing champagne. There will also be music and dancing and political preening.
ORNAMENTS FOR THE DAMNED: Catholics who defied the Church and will surely burn in hell for voting for Obama can show their support by decorating their homes with Obama ornaments during the holiday season. This one only costs $8.99, plus God-only-knows-how-much for shipping-and-handling from the defunct Obama 2016 Third-Term Re-election Campaign.
AND YOU KNOW ITS GOING TO BE A GOOD HOLIDAY SEASON, because K-Mart just re-ordered more of those Amazing Chabotheads. Kwanza Claus says on there are now only 23 more shoplifting days until Kwanza. Druids will be celebrating the Winter Solstice on December 21, and Cougars in Fort Mitchell will be trolling for high school boys for some World Orgasm Day revelry.
Now here’s an update on that Company Christmas Party you’ve been reading about in The Blower:
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 4
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up? Please? Also the company has changed its mind about the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.
FINALLY, AT YESTERDAYS MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about Thursday’s Anderson High School’s Class of ‘56 Survivors Christmas Dinner at Red Lobster. How would you like to be trying to sell ObamaCare to this group.
The poor sap would be beaten senseless by old ladies with canes. But the best part of the evening will be when one of Kane’s classmates we’ll call “Carl” once again shows everybody his class ring that had been returned to him that he thought had been lost forever the night of the Senior Prom. One of his old girlfriend’s doctors found it during a Gynecological Exam.
And REMEMBER: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Feckless Fishwrappers.
More Conservative Christmas Cartoons
HOLIDAY PARTY HOT LINE
E-mail Your Engraved Invitations Today.
Some party crashing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally party crashing subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.