SUNDAY, APRIL 16, 2017
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN said tomorrow is Patriots’ Day, annually held on the third Monday in April, which commemorates the battles of Lexington and Concord, which were fought near Boston in 1775. It should not be confused with Patriot Day, held on September 11 to mark the anniversary of terrorist attacks in the USA in 2001.
NO WONDER OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Paul Revere’s “The British are coming. One if by land, two if by sea.”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says Most voters support President Trump’s missile strike last week on a Syrian airfield suspected of housing chemical weapons used by Bashar al-Assad’s regime against civilians. However, they feel further action against the Syrian government should come from the United Nations and not the United States alone.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time for to enjoy the warmer Spring weather, we found this special springy poem by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Sonnets for All Seasons,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
“It Might As Well Be Spring Fever”
I’m glad that Spring is finally here
It brings some warmer breezes
But it also brings more allergies
With water eyes and sneezes
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “Patriotic Politicians,” Patriots’ Day on the Third Monday in April was fast approaching, and at the Patronage County Courthouse our three publicity-obsessed county commissioners had called in noted Spin Doctor Freddie Flacker, to ensure the public saw them as the most patriotic politicians in history.
THIS WEEK, OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER SAID LATE NIGHT COMEDIANS WERE STILL TAKING CHEAP SHOTS AT TRUMP, CONAN O’BRIEN: They’re having trouble organizing Easter at the White House this year. Instead of an A-list musician, there will be a military band. And instead of eggs, there’s going to be golf balls and instead of children there will be old white guys.
JIMMY KIMMEL: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to down play the issues at his press briefing this afternoon. He did it an interesting way. He invited a group of children into the room and told them the egg roll doesn’t matter because there’s no such thing as the Easter bunny anyway.
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says The Blower has always liked stories about “Courthouse Hiring Practices.” Take this front page item on Edition #46 (published on April 16, 1991) of the original printed edition of The Whistleblower (not the Newswire) that was delivered to Persons of Consequence all over town. (You can see that entire edition HERE.)
THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #246 says you should Define “Multiculturalism” as the State-sanctioned grievance industry that stokes division and resentment, while always under the delusion that it is doing something positive called “celebrating diversity.”
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says after last week when Raytheon stock rose after Trump used that company’s Tomahawk missiles for his air strikes in Syria, everybody was interested in that McAlester Army Ammunition Plant (MCAAP) which made that MOAB that was used in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, investors couldn’t buy stock, since the plant is government owned and operated.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others. This week, Andrew Cuomo’s Excelsior Scholarship plan to provide free college tuition in New York sounds great, but it has a fatal flaw that will cap its benefits for many and even make some worse off.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, with our Dreaded Tax Day quickly approaching, Political Insiders were wondering when Republicans in Congress would ever be getting around to those Tax Cuts President Trump promised. But regardless of that, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane once again offered his three common-sense suggestions to fix our whole tax-and-spending mess:
No withholding. No phony refunds. If folks had to write really big checks on TAX DAY, they’d actually know how much they’re paying
Until we have a simple flat tax without all that paperwork, over-paid Congressmen should be forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free.
Hold EVERY election on TAX DAY!
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Ohio’s Second District Congressman who sent us an egg-cellent Easter E-Card.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
MONDAY (APRIL 17) we’ll be celebrating Patriots’ Day, because you can never be too patriotic.
TUESDAY (APRIL 18) will be our Annual Tax Day E-dition, and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” will probably feature some of the most creative excuses you’ve ever seen.
WEDNESDAY (APRIL 19) we’ll be wondering when “Tax Freedom Day” is coming to the Tri State.
THURSDAY (APRIL 20) we’ll celebrating Hitler’s Birthday, just like we do every year.
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (APRIL 21 LIMERICK IS “The Best Part About Paying Your Taxes.”
AND SATURDAY (APRIL 22) we’ll be totally ignoring Earth Day, now that Trump is in the White House.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Creepy Easter Bunny Photos
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