TODAY IS
SUNDAY, AUGUST 27, 2023
TRUMP’S NINE-HUNDRED-AND-FORTY-NINTH DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, MANY MEMBERS ASKED BUNKY TADWELL IF THE WHISTLEBLOWER MEMOIRS HE’S GHOST-WRITING WILL EXPLAIN IF THERE’S ANY WAY TO SALVAGE WHAT’S LEFT OF THE ONCE RESPLENDENT REPUBLICAN PARTY IN ANDERSON TOWNSHIP
No Longer Just A Few Big Plays Away from Mediocre
This week, everybody who used to wonder how scalpers could ever make a living at Bungals games, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Weekly Limerick Contest.
The winner is the tri-state’s most gullible sports fan, Sidney Sportsucker, who again sold his spleen to buy Bungals tickets this year and hopes he won’t have as much trouble giving away his over-priced tickets to all the bad games as he did every year but last year. Sidney remembers when politically correct pussy ESPN analyst actually predicted Cincinnati would win Super Bowl LVII in 2023. At least Sidney didn’t buy Cincinnati Reds season tickets this year, too.
Sidney wins a “Wait Till Next Year” T-Shirt, left over from when Defensive Genius Marvin Lewis first came to town; an anatomically correct Mike Brown Bobble-head Doll; choice seats behind the drunken floozie pictured below now that Ohio’s GOP Lockdown Governor allows fans to attend games, and the chance to be the first in line to get beat up in the men’s room at the Holy Grail by a drunken Bungals fan after the Steelers game, since Willie’s hepatitis-free Sports café is closed. His winning entry is:
When you watch the Bungals this year,
Will their play draw a cheer or a tear?
Will the offense show up and give the “D” a nice rest,
And make Bungals nation start pounding their chest –
While consuming vast quantities of their favorite beer?
Tomas De Torquemada says:
When you watch the Bungals this year
You’ll be shedding many a tear.
“Competitive,” to Mikey Brown,
Means “able to get a first down,”
And charging you double for beer.
And from the Anderson Laureate (who now knows why his poetic license is being revoked):
When you watch the Bungals this year,
Wait a few games ’til you cheer.
They’ll snatch defeat, you’ll see
From the jaws of victory,
And you’ll end up crying in your beer.
Finally, Perturbed in Park Hills says:
When you watch the Bungals this year,
Be prepared to fall on your spear.
New coach, new staff and new playahs?
Mikey still screws the taxpayahs.
No one knows where AJ Green went;
Has he put his pad up for rent?
Their O-line means 3 and 13:
Do they know the meaning of “mean”?
Cincy’s pro teams seem to be cursed:
Every year they go last to worst.
Mikey’s venue ends in “BS”:
Unlike us, he’s feeling no stress.
Finally, Last Year Perturbed In Park Hills Brought Everything Up To Date With:
If you watch the Bungals this year,
You’d better practice your Bronx cheer.
Did your season ticket subscribe
You to some leftist diatribe?
Will their support of “I can’t breathe”
Make your patriot anger seethe?
If they stay in the locker room
Is that enough to make you fume?
If they diss “Oh say can you see,”
Get off the couch and take a pee.
Turn off the tube and tell Mike Brown
To get his old ass out of town.
Radical chic can’t play football
While doing the BLM crawl.
What’s next, the black power salute
While running your wide-out slant route?
And This Year, Perturbed Had This To Say:
When you watch the Bungals this year
Good ‘ol Joe Burrow will endear
With some skills rarely seen ’round here.
But watch those concession prices:
Hefty with or without spices.
A hot dog costs more than a beer,
A fact that I find rather queer.
Must be that Putin inflation
(Russia collusion narration).
What of the cost of a ticket?
Now that’s a real sticky wicket.
One-ninety for the Steelers game?
“Ain’t that outrageous!” I exclaim.
And that’s for a seat near the moon
Where lack of O2 makes you swoon.
But the Ravens, just fifty-two!
I suppose they’re not worth the view?
Panthers check in at fifty-four:
Obviously they’re not top drawer!
Chalk up that game as a big snore.
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“Here’s what we’ll celebrate on this Labor Day”
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