TODAY IS
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2023
TRUMP’S SEVEN-HUNDRED-AND-FIFTY-EIGHTH DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
“AND WILL TRUMP’S VISIT TO EAST PALESTINE, OHIO, TURN INTO A RALLY”
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Procrastinator Punished
This week, everybody who thinks Valentine’s Day should be a national holiday e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
Our winner is well-known postponer Danny Dawdler, who says, “Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till next week.” But Danny advises you not to forget St. Valentine’s Day. Your car will be covered in guano. Not only without a good roll in the hay, you’ll likely be singing soprano.
Danny wins an autographed copy of Lothario Leach’s new book, “Dating Tips for Horny Guys,” a Whitman’s Sampler with all the chocolate-covered cherries already eaten, a copy of The Blower’s Top Ten Things Men Shouldn’t Say Out Loud When They’re Shopping for a Valentine’s Day Gift at Victoria’s Secret, and a gift basket of clitoral vibrators and such from Dildo World CEO Patty Brisben. His winning entry is:
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
And want to find someone to lay
It’ll cost lots of money
‘Cause we know that your honey
Won’t give you the time of the day
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, will there be hell that you pay
You are in deep trouble
But if you grovel and grovel
You might get some by next May.
Tomas de Torquemada says:
If You Forget St. Valentine’s Day,
You could try a belated bouquet.
But beware the LGBT police;
(Those incessant victims, they never cease.
They claim a gift is micro-aggression,
Triggering harassment and oppression.
Let’s leave those freaks to question their gender:
Lavish your loved ones with gifts so tender.
Turn out the lights, get ready for action.
Backfield in motion? What an infraction!
You’ll be the macho-man of the day
When you embrace binary foreplay!
Other Dishonorable Mentions Include
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Is it a sign of your love’s decay?
Are you still so obsessed with Obama?
That you can’t take care of yo’ Mama,
‘Cause that tingle in your leg’s still in play?
If you forget St. Valentine’s Day,
You will pay, boy will you pay
Better make up to her
With jewelry and fur
Or wait till July to get laid
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day,
And that he was martyred in a most cruel way,
Just think what might happen to you
If you fail to give your spouse her due:
Your tube steak will be served as a filet.
Our Good Friend Bobby Leach sent us these
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Boy, oh boy, will you ever pay
You will have to give and you’ll give
For as long as you live.
On the outside chance you’ll get laid.
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day,
Show her you care in an original way.
With a new drill bit or a Swiffer
With you she won’t differ,
And she’ll know that your love’s no cliché!
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
No matter how much you say,
“I’m sorry, my dear,”
It is perfectly clear
That you ain’t gonna get laid.
Our Good Friend E Rob Sanders sent us these
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
To ensure that your partner will stay:
Just promise her a little piece
Of Trump’s Tax Cut fleece:
It’s sure to put her passions in play.
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day,
When you do, there’s not much you can say;
To get out of trouble,
It’ll at least cost you double,
For forgiveness, there’s a higher price to pay.
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day,
No matter what you might say
You might beg, you might plea
But she’ll make you see
It’ll be August until you get laid.
Horny in Hebron sent us these
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day,
There is nothing good you can say,
Forgive you she will not,
For the roses you “forgot”,
And for the rest of your life, you will pay!
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a roll in the hay
Take my advice
And just pay the price
It’ll take diamonds to make it OK.
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
It matters not a bit what you say
Get an expensive present
That she won’t resent
You know how that game she will play
“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman sent us these:
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t expect a nice roll in the hay.
She might even fake
A permanent headache
Which will bother you only if you’re not gay
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
But still hope for a roll in the hay
Don’t hold your breath,
She’ll snub you to death,
You’ll score when Hell freezes away.
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Guess what price you’re gonna pay?
When you jump into bed
Your sex life will be DEAD,
But remember, you can still buy something on E-bay!
Anderson Trustee Andy Pappas sent us these:
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Oh, boy, oh boy, will you pay
You’ll have to wait
Till September the eighth
If you ever want to get laid.
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
And you don’t know quite what to say
Just tell her, ya’ know
You had to shovel the snow
Maybe she’ll buy that, okay?
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
And you’re looking for a roll in the hay
Your only hope for gratification
Rhymes with (… uh, you know)
Unless, of course, you are gay.
Archie Wilson sent us these:
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day,
Let me tell you there will be Hell to pay.
Buy diamonds, my friend
Don’t sweat how much you spend,
Every kiss begins with Kay.
Don’t get some stupid Vermont Teddy Bear
Or half-naked nightie that she’ll never wear,
She don’t give a damn
‘Bout no stupid PajamaGram
Get her two carats shaped marquis, round, or pear.
Rob “Fighting for Free Love” Portman sent us these:
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
Don’t hope for a roll in the hay.
You got no Vermont Teddy Bear
Or sexy pajamas she can wear,
So now you are going to pay.
You coulda got chocolates or flowers,
Or helped do the housework for a few hours,
But you sat on your rear,
Ate Doritos and drank beer,
And took Viagra to restore your “powers.”
Maybe this time you’ll learn your lesson,
And regret to your girl you’ll be confessin’
Do better next year
Or you will live in fear
That she’ll come after you with her Smith & Wesson.
And from our Anderson Laureate, who says “I never knew so many romantic guys read The Blower”:
If you forgot St. Valentine’s Day
There’s a helluva price you will pay
Women are aware
Of how much you care
They judge by things you do, not just say.
But if by chance you have an excuse,
Ask her if she’ll grant you a truce,
Swear you’ll never forget
A Valentine’s card to get
And buy her a bottle of fermented grape juice.
If you happen to be a lucky cookie
You might end up getting some nookie
But if you don’t score
Try not to get sore,
It just proves you’re a sexual rookie.
Oh by the way, don’t fall for that ad on TV
With the Vermont Teddy Bear for a large fee
They won’t think it’s from Cupid
Girls aren’t that stupid
I can tell you it didn’t work for me.
Finally, From Perturbed in Park Hills:
If You Forget St. Valentine’s Day
“Your ass is grass,” is all I can say.
Chocolates? Diamonds? A bauble or two?
Nope – the United States Mint won’t do!
And if your gal wears a pussy hat
And prefers to vote for a D-RAT,
Then you should have your I.Q. appraised
For hooking up with a chick who’s crazed.
She might decide she’s a new gender
And label you “Return to Sender.”
She’ll march on Washington without you
To hang out with her feminist crew.
You’ll end up playing solo ‘cello,
So choose carefully, my fine fellow.
If you put your finger in a dyke,
I guarantee you, bad luck will strike.
PLUS, Perturbed in Park Hills Sent Us This, experimenting with a new rhyme pattern:
If You Forget Valentine’s Day
Your relationship might decay
Much faster than Joke Biden’s mind.
Are you a day or two behind?
You’d better hope she’ll not remind
By turning her back, once in bed.
That’s the cold shoulder we all dread:
We fear losing our nightly bread.
So put Rastis back in your pants,
And stop ogling her implants.
Do all your chores, water the plants,
Practice your very sheepish look
And play everything by the book:
You could even offer to cook!
Soon you can promise her the moon
By signing this different tune.
But don’t dare assume that she’ll swoon.
Better not take a little peek
“Til you’re sure you’re not up shit’s creek.
Otherwise, your outlook is bleak.