TODAY IS
SATURDAY, MAY 13, 2023
TRUMP’S EIGHT-HUNDRED-AND-FORTY-THIRD DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND OUR GOOD FRIEND TOM BRENNAMAN WISHES HE COULD’VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH A GAY SLUR APOLOGY THE WAY BOB HUGGINS JUST DID.

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Fountain Square Frolics” By James Jay Schifrin

         This week our Patronage County Commissioners were recalling all that Fabulous News Coverage promoting the Gay Agenda after West Virginia University Basketball Coach Bob Huggins’ Gay Slur on the radio this week. But it wasn’t nearly as much as when the Reds suspended Curly-Haired Moppet Tom Brennaman for uttering his horrific, homophobic remark about “one of the fag capitals of the world,” wherever the hell that’s supposed to mean.  

         “The Fishwrap gave the gays all that free front-page publicity,” pointed out Commissioner Filch.

         “Diversity uber alles,” added Commissioner Swindle. “Those folks never miss an opportunity to promote the Liberal Agenda.”

         “For years Kneepad Liberals in the Press wanted everybody to believe at least half the population was homosexual,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “Now it turns out it’s only 1.6%.”

         “Which means 98.4% is heterosexual,” explained Commissioner Swindle, “but you’d never see that explained anywhere in the Liberal News Media. It would make it very difficult for them to convince people to validate the gay lifestyle.”

         “Doesn’t Cincinnati have a gay guy on its City Council?” asked Commissioner Filch.

         “He was the victim of a homophobic attack several years ago when Republicans for Higher Taxes reported somebody had written ‘Tiny Cock’ in the snow on his windshield, and the gay guy still hasn’t stopped pouting ever since the local St. Patrick’s Day Parade Committee banned a Gay Group again that year,” Commissioner Swindle explained.

         “You’d think a monumental decision was hanging in the balance from all the publicity last week,” said Commissioner Pilfer.

         “That’s ridiculous,” concluded Commissioner Swindle. “No matter what those judges in Cincinnati decide, you know this case is going to wind up in the Supreme Court.”

         This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.