SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2017

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Racino Riff Raff” By James Jay Schifrin

       After seeing all that great free publicity Anderson Township Trustees got for themselves at the opening of Belterra’s “Racino” in Anderson Township, our three publicity-starved Commissioners from Patronage County have been discussing how soon they could get one of those Money Making Gambling Emporiums for themselves on the ride home. 

        “What a great event that was,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “Think of all those people to shake hands with. I bet they all wished they’d been asked to make a speech.”

        “It’s also too bad none of them was up for re-election this year,” said Commissioner Filch. “but all those little people putting pictures of themselves with celebrities like us on their Facebook pages could be recycled endlessly and made to show how much them support us.”

        “The only thing wrong was the kind of people who showed up,” suggested people Commissioner Swindle. “You know how gambling attracts unsavory characters and creates major social problems.”

        “What do you mean?” asked Commissioner Pilfer. “The demographic for a ‘Racino’ is 57-year-old white widows losing their dead husbands’ insurance money playing on crappy video slot machines.”

        “You mean they didn’t have many whores?” asked Commissioner Filch.

        “Only a few skanks on Opening Night,” explained Commissioner Swindle. “The others were probably still working at the Jack Casino downtown.”

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.