MONDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2016
Our Annual Empathy Statement
As the Old Year comes to an end, The Blower would like to cease and desist from our customary daily political bashing to offer our empathy for all those affected by misfortunes and disasters during the past year. To be hit so hard by circumstances beyond your control is often too much for many people to bear. Who’ll ever forget the wretched sobs of those poor souls bemoaning the loss of their Health Insurance because of ObamaCare? But enough about all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, And Failed Trying To Give Obama A Third Term By Voting For Hillary, Although Obama Now Ridiculously Claims He Would’ve Won Again, And Get All Of Their Information From Our Obama Supporters In The Press, Like The Ones On Channel 5, 9, 12, And 19, Already!
Our First Prediction for 2017
Tired of reading what to expect for the New Year?
Unimpressed by crystal-ball forecasts and psychic predictions?
Couldn’t care less about whose ugly baby was born first?
Bored by lame lists of “who’s in” and “who’s out?”
Turned off by self-righteous editorials dictating resolutions for everyone else to keep?
Repulsed by repetitious recaps of celebrities who died last year and fresh faces for the year ahead?
Unable to invest in all those sure-fire year-end stock market tips?
Sick of suggestions by the same pretentious Tri-staters on how to handle the same issues and challenges in 2017 that they screwed up in 2016?
In short, are you over-dosed on all that silly end-of-the-year media hype that serves no purpose except to take up space?
You are? What a freaking coincidence! We asked the Magic Eight Ball, and it predicted you’d say “Yes.”
Ode to the New Year
Oh, the New Year’s a’comin’,
It don’t look so hot.
Yes, the New Year’s a’comin’.
Unfortunately I’m not.
From “The Best Loved Poems in the World” by Bunky Tadwell, The Bard of Cleves
Now here’s a picture of Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane giving away free copies of The Blower to some of the less fortunate members of the community during the holidays.
How many of these unfortunates can you identify?
Bluegrass Bacchanalia
At last year’s New Year’s Eve party, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo found out three things that were difficult for Michael “Liquid” Plummer to say after he’d had too much to drink at Miss Vicki’s New Year’s Eve party: “Indubitably,” “Preliminary,” and “Nuclear Proliferation.”
A little later, CamBoo found out three more things that are very difficult to say when you’ve had too much to drink: “Specificity,” “Transubstantiate,” and of course, “Antidisestablishmentarianism.”
But by the end of the evening, CamBoozler discovered three things that are downright impossible to say when you’re drunk: “Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex”; “Nope, no more booze for me”; and “Oh, no, I just couldn’t. No one really wants to hear me sing.”
Whistleblower Web Poll
Today, here’s how the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said they’d like to celebrate New Year’s Eve Thursday night:
(A) Drinking crappy champagne: 2%
(B) Breaking New Year’s resolutions: 1%
(C) Watching the ball drop on TV: 3%
(D) Having hot sex: 94%
Playtime for Philanderers
This week, everybody who chose “Option (D)” on this week’s Web Poll above e-mailed entries to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is our Foreclosed Four-Flushing Philanderer, who says there’s nothing special about New Year’s Eve; it’s is just another opportunity to hit on other guys’ wives.
Our Foreclosed Four-Flusher wins a list of 1,000 married women who like to boink, a list of 1,001 excuses for when he comes home late, a two-hour matinee in the Airport Holiday Inn’s “Cheat Suite” and once again, his name in The Whistleblower. His winning entry is:
This year my New Year’s celebration,
Could be marred by a big complication.
If I start in too early,
With a married lady named Shirley,
The result could be premature ejaculation.
Now Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us a picture of some of the people who wish they could crash Saturday night’s invitation-only Whistleblower New Year’s Eve Party. Can you identify who they are?
END-OF-THE-YEAR HOT LINE
e-mail your insight and analysis today.
Some almost over items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally almost over subscribers.
New Year’s Video of the Day
Jim Carrey’s Happy New Year
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
