TODAY IS THURSDAY, MARCH 14, 2024
TRUMP’S ELEVEN HUNDRED-AND-FORTY-NINTH DAY CAMPAIGNING OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND TONIGHT WE SEE HOW OUR MEDIA DARLING ACTUALLY BEGAN
The Whistleblower’s 62nd Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (Not Associated With The Failed United Way) Is Now Underway. 

We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.

Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been take

 Today Schnozzy Heimlich Is Our Worthy Waif

          Schnozzy Heimlich was a balding little six-year-old boy whose dad kept giving him small items to swallow so he could test his untried life-saving maneuvers. He always dreamed of being a part-time legal commentator on TV, because that way people would think he was a legal expert, even if he could never claim a distinguished legal or political career.

            So the Seediest Kids of All sent over an official TV reporter’s trench coat to help Schnozzy look the part; DVDs of all those old “Law and Order” episodes, so Schnozzy could study up on how Prosecutor Jack McCoy got all his convictions; Ken “Mad Dawg” Lawson and Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters gave Schnozzy some lessons on abrasive courtroom theatrics, the folks at TV 9 “Substantially True” News gave Schnozzy a chance to audition, and our Feckless Fishwrappers gave Schozzy an opportunity to support their Anti-Trump Media Agenda by embarrassing himself with just another lame Never-Trumper rant against President Trump.  

            Unfortunately, during his first broadcast, Schnozzy “reported” the “Law and Order” case that everybody had seen on TV the night before, threw in some of those “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit” lines he’d seen Johnny Cochran use during the OJ Trial, and said, “But that IS my real nose,” when that cute little TV 9 reporterette asked him.

            The Heimlich family called to express their gratitude for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt and tax dollars throughout the year which make it all possible.

SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE

e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.