MONDAY, APRIL 3, 2017
Watching The Reds Win On Opening Day
Hurley the Historian was remembering when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. For generations, baseball’s first pitch was on a Monday and in Cincinnati, where the Reds were given that honor for being the sport’s first professional team. Even when ESPN insisted on a marquee Sunday night game to open the season, that was just one game. Now like everything else, MLB’s Opening Day could be imported from China. So much for “America’s Pastime,” baseball fans! And so much for our wonderful Cincinnati tradition!
Senior Scorekeeper Tino Delgato also remembers when the Reds used to be the first game of a new baseball season. The Reds should reclaimthis honor by starting their first game on Sunday afternoon. Several other benefits could be derived from this change. Parking would be plentiful and no one would have to take off work or school. The Findlay Market Parade could be attended by many more people and school kids. Downtown restaurants and bars would pick up an extra day of revenue. Plus most years it seems to be better weather the day before Opening Day. Go Figure!!!
And the fine folks at Kingsford Charcoal seemed to agree, since they say Opening Day used to be a time-honored tradition as old and revered as the league itself. This year, Opening Day is more like opening week – with games spread across three days. Or, in many cases, the more TV-friendly nighttime slots. This won’t do. We are asking the powers that be to let TV rule every other night of the season, but let Opening Day remain Opening DAY. 30 Teams. 15 Stadiums. One Glorious Afternoon. Kingsford wanted you to sign their petition to Take Back Opening Day for the 2017 season, but obviously that petition is now closed.
We remember when Baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money. Last year we thought Johnny Cueto and some of those Reds Rastafarians could’ve afforded freaking haircuts and some of those other scruffy-looking guys could’ve afforded to buy new razor blades. Where do these overpaid athletes think they’re playing anyway — in the NFL?
That’s why our Quote for Today Committee chose Chico Esquela’s “Baseball been berry, berry good to me.”
Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says, “Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks, because you sure as hell won’t be able to afford $6.50 for a hot dog, $9 for nachos, and $7.50 for beer. Who’s doing the cooking this year— Jeff Ruby?”
And the Downtown Clown-cil says, “Don’t forget the cost and hassle of parking.” This year, it ought to be worse than ever, thanks in no small part to Cincinnati’s Stupid Streetcar, which the Streetcar Six on Cincinnati City Clown-sale assured us would cure all the economic ills of the entire Tri-State, once it was built.
All those Disingenuous DemocRAT candidates running for office in Cincinnati’s May 2 Mayoral Primary along with Clown-cil in November will be there. At least “Mean Jean” Schmidt probably won’t be there and let’s hope all those other freeloader politicians remember to register and pay their fees this year. And have you ever heard of any politician “paying” for an Opening Day “ticket,” any more than they’d be willing to accept the same health care program you have to pay for? That would be a first! But Opening Day is still a great day for a political fund-raiser. How cheesy is that?
Even cheesier would be those local politicians who put pictures of themselves on Facebook skipping work today to attend Opening Day. CH Snitch at 1000 Main Street won our caption contest with “Hi, I’m Alex, this is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl.”
The 98th Annual Findlay Market Parade would be a lot shorter if all those politicians and wannabes weren’t permitted, especially after our Nine Fine Diversity Doofuses on Cincinnati City Clown-cil unsuccessfully argued that Rob “Fighting for Fairies” Portman should be the Grand Marshal, even though the Portman Gay Family Values Float does get to bring up the rear.
And how about those special Opening Day sections in The Fishwrap? Maybe they could sell a few more video ads that interrupt your reading. Furloughed and Fired Fishwrappers understand Gannett’s stockholders could really use the money.
And every year when a guy like Judge Mark Painter tells you how many Opening Days he’s been to, just think of all the work he’s missed over the years. Bobby Leach says a guy calls in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The guy says, “I’m home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?”
Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather is always optimistic every year before Opening Day and this year is no exception, especially when Joey Votto got a big hit in the eighth inning to put the Reds ahead and the guys in the Reds bullpen (without Aroldis Chapman) did their jobs.
Also, just in time to enjoy the 2017 baseball season, we found this more realistic prophesy in Bunky Tadwell’s “American Pastimes,” sold in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
Opening Day is on the way
And baseball soon will start.
The Reds will show us promise
And then will break our heart.
Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says Opening Day for the Florence Freedom on May 17 at Erpenbeck Stadium is already sold out. Yeah, but who’s going to throw out the first pitch? It probably won’t be Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters with the opportunity to fail at something else. And it won’t be $tan Che$ley, since the KBA (Kentucky Baseball Association” banned him like Pete Rose and there’s still thank open bench warrant with his name on it in Boondoggle County. Maybe one of the unemployed Bungals could try out, since everybody’s being offered tryouts with the Freedom this year. We’d still like to see “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have the first pitch honors. We wonder if Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson would be in the stands, dreaming about all those batters his old boss used to plunk.
Someone else who might be attending the Reds Opening Day Game today could be our good friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders who just might be at the game today to see if his daughter’s picture is still on the scoreboard.
And all the restaurants and bars in Northern Kentucky would be celebrating today’s Opening Day in Cincinnati too. There’s not that many places near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the snack bar at The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center, and the food at the not-so-new-and-exciting Jack Casino isn’t worth the long walk, since the Trolley Folly won’t take you anywhere near there, as if anybody really gives a big rat’s ass.
Once again, Marty Brennaman would be broadcasting the Reds on Radio on Opening Day, and over at Channel 19, Trish the Dish will once again be asking if the Reds have already been mathematically eliminated.
OPENING DAY MEMORIES HOTLINE
e-mail your celebratory views and opinions today.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Obama at the Bat (With more than 8,366,265 Views)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
