SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2016
These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know
Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.
These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.
“For the Children” by James Jay Schifrin
This week our Patronage County Commissioners were once again breaking the Sunshine Law when they were engaged in an illegal meeting where county business is being discussed. “I’m afraid the Patronage County Schools Tax Hike is going down to defeat,” said Commissioner Filch. “Somehow the voters have caught on that it’s a really bad deal.”
“Some must’ve explained shown people how to figure out what the Tax Hike would actually be costing them,” said Commissioner Swindle.
“You mean that old $100,000 house comparison isn’t still working this year?” asked Commission Pilfer.
“It’s like a low-ball price in a used car commercial,” explained Commissioner Swindle. “People found out how much their Tax Hikes would be on the Auditor’s web page.”
“Not only that, they were reminded how much school taxes they were already paying,” added Commissioner Filch.
“A couple of hundred dollar Tax Hike is bad enough,” Commissioner Swindle interrupted, “but when voters remember they’re already paying thousands of dollars in school taxes, it turns out to be a pretty tough sell. So many people pay their property taxes through escrow they don’t pay attention. That’s the really sinister thing about real estate taxes.”
“And one of the so-called ‘fiscally conservative’ even got caught shilling for the Tax Hikers,” said Commissioner Pilfer.
“Maybe the Tax Hikers promised him his own neighborhood school for his kids to walk to,” said Commissioner Swindle, “TEA Party Patriots won’t want to see him running on an anti-tax, conservative platform next time around.”
“Tax Hikers say it’s all about keeping the Patronage County strong with a strong and safe school system,” bemoaned Commissioner Filch.
“That’s all well-and-good,” said Commissioner Swindle, “But, what about all those families leaving Patronage County because of the taxes? Another neighbor of mine just moved across the county line to a comparable house because of taxes! We lose more good people each year because of Tax Hikes.”
“But isn’t there anything Patronage County Schools could do to convince Voters they’re getting something for their money,” asked Commissioner Pilfer, “so that asking voters to pay more didn’t seem so unreasonable?”
“Maybe they could make sure when the kids came home from school they could read and write cursive,” Commissioner Swindle said.
This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.