MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 03, 2018
Trump’s 591st Day In Office

How Will These Ordinary Americans Celebrate Union Day?

Mama Maruska, Retired Homemaker: Cooking for my ungrateful family like I do on every holiday.

Porky Dorkman, Student: Getting ready to skip school tomorrow.

Marlene Mandible, Totally Unemployable: Accusing the airline of “Fat-Shaming” me when they make me pay for three seats on my light.

Earl Pitts, Part-time Taxidermist: Hopin’ my kids don’t get their fingers blowed off with all those illegal fireworks I bought at the truck stop.

Linda Libel, Gossip Columnist: Trying Trying to pick up on the latest hearsay at the AFL-CIO Labor Day Picnic so we can scoop The Fishwrap when we publish details of our next scandal at Cincinnati City Hall.

Suzie Soccermom, TEA Partier: Avoiding being raped, murdered, or run over by unruly Black Teenagers after the fireworks in downtown Cincinnati.

Leroy Williams, Street Corner Pharmacist: Selling crack to teenagers in Over-the-Rhine.

 Norma Rashid, Former TV5 Anchorwoman: Still sitting home alone waiting for Charlie to call.

Jack Mehoff, Used Solar Panel Salesman: Eatin’ lots of brats and metts at the union picnic even though I still haven’t paid my dues.

 Emily Frump, Retired City Employee: Worrying about what’s going to happen to my pension.

CH Snitch, 1000 Main Street: Wondering about the cost of all those lying Chabot and Pureval attack ads you’ll be seeing during the next 64 days.”

Sid Schlock, Slumlord: Planning on how to raise the rent on illegal aliens and not telling ICE where they live.

Ken CamBoo, Northern Kentucky Journalist: Wondering why there are so few unions in the Bluegrass State.

TEA Party Tim: Circulating Right-to-work petitions.

Reverum Calhoun, Minister: Looking for even more FREE STUFF at the Union Day Picnic at Coney Island.

Seedy Diehl, Northern Kentucky: Getting another day off with pay.

Rashid Jones, Escort Service Provider: Tellin’ his main lady “This ain’t no holiday for you, bitch! Get out on the street and bring me my money.”

Whistleblower Video of the Day

Thanks, Union Bosses!

Sent in by the Union-Busting Koch Brothers.

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.