SATURDAY, MAY 6, 2017

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Profiting From Experience” By James Jay Schifrin

         This weekend in Patronage County, the 2017 Meaningless Mayoral Primary in Cincinnati was only a distant memory, and politicians were waiting for today’s Kentucky Derby for amusement purposes, when our three Corrupt Commissioners from Patronage County were recalling that time many years before they borrowed a county car to cross the Great Divide and join the overflow audience at the Gannett Foundation Distinguished Felons Lecture Series at Thomas More College. The star attractions were Watergate conspirator John Dean III and Senate Watergate chief counsel Sam Dash, reflecting on Watergate a decade earlier.

“Those guys were amateurs. We could’ve showed them,” said Commissioner Swindle on the ride back home.

“It’s nice to see that crime still pays,” laughed Commissioner Filch. “How much did Dean and Dash get to speak tonight?”

“They claimed the Fifth Amendment,” Swindle said. “I guess they’re still covering up.”

“Dean said he had a good idea who the informer Deep Throat was. So how come he didn’t name him?” asked Commissioner Pilfer.

“Probably waiting for his new book to come out,” Swindle answered. “And did you notice both Dash and Dean didn’t say there’d never be another Watergate, just that it would be a long time till they pick out another one.”

“But ever since Watergate, legal ethics has been a required course in law schools,” said Filch.

“Pretty soon we’ll all have to be criminal lawyers just to protect ourselves,” Swindle said.

“Listen,” explained Pilfer, “before the Nixon Tapes were leaked by some eager beaver on Dash’s staff, only seven of the 2,700 so-called journalists in Washington were working on the Watergate story.

“I’m glad we live in Patronage County,” Swindle laughed, “where nobody really covers the courthouse.”

“And isn’t it great what Dash said,” Filch asked. “Election commissions and special prosecutors are on their way out.”

“I like it when our own prosecutor investigates us,” Swindle said. “People expect a little ordinary corruption. Why else would they keep electing us?”

“Wait a minute,” interrupted Pilfer. “Before we get back, let’s stop in Kentucky and buy some of that cheap, illegal booze and smokes.”

“Right,” said Swindle. “And we can use the discount coupon from today’s Fishwrap.” 

          This op-ed column was updated from the April 28, 1982 edition of the feisty Mt. Washington Press, personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.