TODAY IS
MONDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2020
TRUMP’S 1438th DAY IN OFFICE
AND IS THIS THE FUNNIEST STORY EVER?

A classic piece of radio that will have you in tears of laughter. Radio host Robert D. Raiford of the John Boy and Billy Big Show attempts to read a story printed in the Los Angeles Times regarding a homosexual couple’s attempt at feltching with a gerbil gone wrong and ending up with a hospital visit. Set to illustrative pictures by DeeJayOne. ARMAGEDDON! 

Like When They Get Something Stuck In Their Rectums

Over at Deadspin, Barry Petchesky says it’s time to sound the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database  of emergency room visits.

Today we’re looking at the strangest, most awkwardly shaped, and least pleasant objects that Americans have shoved into holes in their bodies. God bless us, everyone. As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear
• DEFLATED BALLOON
• BEETLE
• “PLACED TOILET PAPER IN EAR SO WOULDNT HAVE TO HEAR NEIGHBORS”
• CHESS PIECE
• PLASTIC DRINKING STRAW
• PAPER NAPKINS
• HAIRPIN
• HAIR BAND
• GASOLINE
• “CRAYON STUCK IN EAR FOR 2 WEEKS”
• END OF SHOELACE
• FAKE DIAMOND
• PAPER & AN ERASER
• BALL FROM EYEBROW RING
• DOG’S PAW
Nose
• PEBBLE FROM THE FISH TANK
• “STUCK A RAISIN UP HIS RIGHT NOSTRIL, BROTHER TRIED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS BUT PATIENT MOVED”
• STOVE PELLET
• “WAS LAYING ON HIS BACK AT SCHOOL WHEN AN ERASER FELL INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
• PLASTIC SNAKE
• MAGNETS UP EACH NOSTRIL
• PLASTIC HEARTS IN EACH NOSTRIL
• BABY WIPE
• MINI HOCKEY STICKS
• EGG DYE TABLET
Throat
• RULER
• BRANCH
• STALE CAKE
• “ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A PILL BOTTLE WHEN TAKING HIS MEDICATION”
• ASTHMA INHALER
• “WAS OPENING A BOTTLE OF SODA W/ HIS TEETH & BOTTLE CAP FLEW DOWN HIS THROAT”
• HOOP EARRING
• PLASTIC HONEY FILLED STRAW
• “PLAYING WITH A BLOW DART GUN, BLEW THE PIN OUT, IT HIT THE WALL FLEW BACK INTO PATIENTS THROAT AND HE SWALLOWED IT”
• CANADIAN QUARTER
• “INHALED A WASP WHILE JOGGING NOW THROAT SWELLING”
• PAINT-STIRRING STICK & PAINT
• “HELD DOWN IN ART CLASS, CLASSMATE SHOVED SEQUINS DOWN THROAT”
• DOG SHAMPOO
• GLOW STICKS
• “EATING CLUB SANDWICH AND PART OF TOOTHPICK BROKE OFF, HE SWALLOWED IT, SCRATCH IN THROAT, ABLE TO FINISH SANDWICH”

Penis
• “CARVED DOWN PIECE OF DOMINO INCISED PENIS INSERTED DOMINO PIECE INTO PENIS NOW WANTS IT REMOVED”
• SANDAL BUCKLE
• BB
• DOLL SHOE
• “HAD PEBBLE STUCK IN PENIS WHILE SWIMMING IN A LAKE 3 WEEKS AGO”
• PEN CAP
• PEN
• 3 INCH STRAIGHT PIN
• “MARBLE IN PENIS, CUT PENIS TRYING TO GET IT OUT”

Vagina
• 3 PAPER TOWELS
• 3 GOLF-BALL SIZE BOUNCY BALLS
• 6 SCREWS
• PILL BOTTLE
• USB ADAPTER
• “SAT ON THE TOP OF A DOLL HOUSE AND THERE WAS A SPIKED ROOF”
• KNOTTED ROPE
• “WENT SWIMMING, WENT TO REMOVE TAMPON CANT LOCATE IT”
• POINTY TOY PIG
• “BOYFRIEND STUCK BOTTLE IN VAGINA. THE CAP CAME OFF AND GOT STUCK”
• HALF A BAR OF SOAP
• SHARPENED PENCIL
• “PUT A BOUNCY BALL IN HER VAGINA, IT’S STUCK, WAS MASTURBATING”
• “PLACED A BOBBY PIN IN VAGINA -STATES SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHY”
• DOLL
• SMALL PAINTING KIT
• “PART OF A SILICONE DILDO BROKEN OFF”
• CIGARETTES AND LIGHTER
• SHOE HEEL
• PIECES OF PLASTIC CUP, BROKEN CRAYON, PIECE OF PLASTIC, & STRAW
• “POSSIBLE RETAINED VAGINAL FOREIGN BODY, USING VIBRATOR WHILE INTOXICATED”
Rectum
• “USING A VIBRATOR LAST NIGHT, THOUGHT WAS INSERTING IN VAGINA, INTERRUPTED BY MOM & SAT UP QUICKLY, INSERTED IN RECTUM, CAN’T REMOVE”
• WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM
• 10 BROKEN CRAYONS
• FLASHLIGHT
• “PER WIFE PATIENT SAT DOWN ON A SCREWDRIVER AND IT WENT UP HIS RECTUM”
• 2 DILDOS
• “PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM TO MAKE BOWEL MOVEMENT TO GET GAUZE PATIENT SWALLOWED TO COME OUT”
• PLASTIC MELATONIN BOTTLE
• POSSIBLE SHOT GLASS
• “RECTAL FISSURE MASTURBATING FOR HER BOYFRIEND USING A HAIRBRUSH IN HER RECTUM YESTERDAY”
• NAIL CUTICLE TOOL
• EGG TIMER
• CURTAIN ROD
• “ICE PICK IN RECTUM TO PUSH HEMORRHOIDS BACK IN”
• HANDLE OF A TOILET BOWL BRUSH
• HAMMER
• NUT AND BOLT
• “SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”
• BINGO DAUBER
• BINGO CHIP
• DECORATIVE PUMPKIN
• BOWLING PIN
• “SHOESHINE CONTAINER ALLEGEDLY INTOXICATED DID NOT KNOW GF INSERTED OBJECT”
• TUB DRAIN CAP
• WIFE’S SIX INCH VIBRATOR
• BROOM HANDLE
• BASEBALL
• SALT SHAKER
• “MALE USING PLASTIC SEX TOY(VIBRATOR) THAT BROKE OFF IN RECTUM BUT LEFT WITHOUT TREATMENT