TODAY IS
FRIDAY, APRIL 08, 2022
TRUMP’S FOUR-HUNDRED-AND-FORTY-THIRD DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND D-RAT EARLY VOTE-FRAUDING HAS ALREADY BEGUN
It’s Going To Be A Really Long Season
This week, everybody who remembers when really important people threw out the first pitch on the Reds’ Opening Day instead of a sissy mayor, a county commissioner in a wheelchair, a Jive recording artist, or a former Reds TV broadcaster, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is long-time Cincinnati Reds fan Farley Fairweather, who remembers when baseball players really cared about the game, instead of just their fat paychecks. Farley won a year’s subscription to Pete Rose’s Betting Tips, an “I Spent $287 at the Reds’ Opening Day and All I Got Was This Crappy T-Shirt” T-Shirt, a ride in the Gay Opening Day Parade with the gay-loving politician of his choice, and a forged doctor’s excuse for missing work. His winning limerick was:
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
People are sure gonna pray
Or maybe they’ll dream
That with such a team
They won’t be in last place by May.
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day,
You really will have to pray
That with the cost of the seat
And the stuff that you eat
Won’t cost you more than a month’s pay
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day,
I plan to stay far away.
Until they receive
Some guys who believe
It isn’t the pay, it’s the play.
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day,
It’s a shame our old heroes can’t play.
Pete and Johnny were the best,
I miss Tony, Joe, and the rest,
All the good guys have got old and gray.
(Unlike in Kentucky, where they’re old, dark, and gay)
This year on Reds’ Opening Day,
$7-a-beer we will pay,
Of course we’ll receive,
Many players who underachieve,
And hoping they’re not out of it by May!
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
Will our dainty former Mayor once again play?
He’ll throw from the elbow like this (oof!)
And walk away, with a flounce of his pouf
But that still doesn’t mean that he’s gay.
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
And from the Anderson Laureate (who now knows why his poetic license is being revoked and now has something to tell the padre at this week’s confession):
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
Can we keep our dainty former mayor away?
I promise you I’ll bitch
If he throws out the first pitch,
I don’t like to watch men throw like they’re gay.
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
Our former dainty mayor didn’t play.
It made our toes curl
To watch him throw like a girl,
So he wisely stayed out of sight and away.
Finally, Thom Brennaman says
This year on the Reds’ Opening Day
We’ll see if they gave the store away.
Winker and Suarez got their pink slips,
While Garrett cashed in his bullpen chips.
Old man Votto just keeps on rolling
But when will his old bell start tolling?
They acquired underwhelming Pham,
Whose injuries might make him a scam.
“Competitive lineup” on paper?
Sounds like the old Mikey Brown caper!
Seven players already “IL’d,”
A fading vet’ran starter who smelled
Up the joint, a 6+ ERA,
While giving up their ace Sonny Gray.
Oh, it must have been time to “rebuild,”
Insulting fans with players unskilled.
Now that the COVID crap is over,
Are we just getting a pushover?
Hey, Castellini, give us a break!
Your lineup is just a cheap headache!