TODAY IS
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 07, 2018
Trump’s 686th Day In Office
More Of That CHRISTmas Spirit
FROM FLORIDA, Punta Gorda Bureau Chief Rank Feickel shows us why gay guys shouldn’t put Christmas lights on a Palm Tree.
THE WHISTLEBLOWER REPERTORY GROUP has a new member in its latest video showing the Whistleblower Elves in Congress when Santa isn’t watching. Can you guess his identity?
In a related story, The Adams County Travel and Visitors Bureau, located in East Jesus, is still getting complaints because Ohio Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup’s Office failed to give people directions for those Amazing Amish Christmas Tree Lights located near suburban Seamen, no matter how you’re supposed to spell it.
THANKS TO OUR SECRET SANTA: Our new “2020 Trump Keep America Great” Cap is a perfect fit.
“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT’S CHRISTMAS PARTY: Now for those of you planning to join Outcast Attorney Chris Finney, COAST’s right-wing Chairman Brad Beckett, and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane at “Mean Jean’s” Annual Christmas Party at Jack casino in downtown Cincinnati kicking off her return to politics (reported exclusively in last night’s Blower), , let’s all sing the fourth verse of “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Twelve Days of CHRISTmas,” sent in by “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman, who still claims he did not run down that “Bitch-in-a-Ditch,” at the spot where Union Township officials in Clermont County had erected a special sign for the occasion.
Instead, “TaxKiller Tom” is shown gleefully cutting “Mean Jean’s” head off a cake at the Marie Antoinette “Let ‘Em Eat Cake Awards.” It goes something like this:
On the Fourth Day of CHRISTmas, “Mean Jean” gave to me:
Four Screeching Tires,
Three Borgman cartoons,
Two red dresses,
And one old crapper, from Rob Portman’s legacy.
Now here’s an update on that problem plagued Company Christmas Party you’ve been reading about in The Blower.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All our Freaking Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: The Freaking Holiday Party
I have no freaking idea what this damn announcement is all about. What the hell do I care? I KNOW what I’m going to get. You change your address now and you are dead! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!
Vegetarians? I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your freaking salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right now!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you miserable bastards!
Patty, The Bitch from HELL!
IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: Bluegrass Bureay Chief Ken CamBoo says everybody’s trying to get into the holiday spirit, so we asked for a few holiday decorating tips from our old friend “Blackjack Brian” Richmond, who spent all weekend putting up these Christmas lights on his house, except The Blower thinks Bashful Brian really should’ve asked for a little help.
Brian, who used to work for our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders, says he can hardly wait for The Robster’s Eleventh Annual Christmas Party whenever the hell it is, especially since The Whistleblower NoKY Legal Dream Team and the Cabal to Destroy “Crazy Eric Deters (including the Lisa Wells WLW Fan Club) events are being combined.
FINALLY, Horny in Hebron says he never misses is the Annual World Orgasm for Peace Day Orgy at the Fort Mitchell County Club, co-sponsored by Uptight Bitches in Ft. Mitchell and the Northern Kentucky Cougars’ Association. That godless pagan event is on December 21, just in time for Druids to celebrate the Winter Solstice.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Anderson Trustee President Andy Pappas.
HOLIDAY PARTY HOT LINE
e-mail your engraved invitations today.
Some party crashing items in today’s Blower
were sent in by our equally party crashing subscribers
WHISTLEBLOWER HOLIDAY VIDEOS
Merry CHRISTmas at the Mall
PLUS
Candlelight – The Maccabeats
The True Story of Christmas
Musical Interruption – Carol Of The Bells
White Christmas Song Parody – “Wide Penis”
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
