TODAY IS
SUNDAY, AUGUST 09, 2020
Trump’s 1297th Day In Office

Dear Friends and Benefactors:

You may remember my name from a rather unfortunate incident that took place in Guyana in 1978, when my followers and I committed a revolutionary act to prevent US troops from attacking and killing the beloved members of our People’s Temple. My utmost concern was always for the spiritual health of my worshippers.

Fast-forwarding to today, you will be pleased to know that I have re-appeared via a little-known cryogenic process! In the midst of this divine chastisement, I am here to promote not just spiritual health, but also optimal physical health and well-being for all Americans, regardless of race, creed, ethnicity, gender orientation, partisan affiliation, or economic status. And what better way to promote our physical health and well-being than to support the emergency measures being enacted to deal with the COVID-19 pandemic?

Let’s begin with face masks. The use of face masks has been mandated not only by the W.H.O., the CDC, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and many Governors and Mayors across the United States, but also by enlightened social justice groups like Antifa and Black Lives Matter. A pretty impressive assemblage of people who, like me, care deeply about your health!

A face mask serves several purposes: one, it may protect you from deadly microbes which are all around us (much like US troops in the Guyana jungle). Two, it ensures that you don’t spread those virus microbes to your fellow Americans, who could easily turn on you and accuse you of invisible crimes you didn’t commit. Believe me, I speak from experience! Three, it significantly reduces the level of oxygen in your bloodstream, thus compassionately leaving more oxygen for others. Four, and perhaps most important, it sends a message that your neighbor’s health is even more essential than yours, and that you are willing to make this sacrifice for them.

So do the right thing, friends, and wear those masks! Meanwhile, please consider contributing to my new nonprofit, Healthier Lives Matter. After all, it is rather costly to be living here in the US Virgin Islands, and your contributions are tax-deductible!

Yours for a healthier America,
(Rev.) Jim Jones
Little St. James Island