SATURDAY, JUNE 2, 2018

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“After Green, Blue Is Our Favorite Color”               By James Jay Schifrin

        Today in Patronage County, every politician was reminded of the fact that June 8, 2008 was the date Hamilton County officially turned forever “Blue,” and our three Corrupt County Commissioners were talking about how such a thing could’ve happened.

        “That’s easy,” said Commissioner Filch. “Obama-mania was infecting the entire political process, and all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Destroy Trump Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19, were just getting started.”

        “That’s part of it,” said Commissioner Swindle. 

        “Do you mean letting their community be overrun by Minorities and Section 8 Housing?” asked Commissioner Pilfer.

        “That’s part of it, too, along with the Continuous Campaign for Political Correctness being waged by Kneepad Liberals in the Press,” explained Commissioner Swindle.

        “How about years ago when the supposedly Conservative County Commissioners abdicated their authority over projects that required special funding for projects like libraries, the zoo, the homeless, and helping the handicapped?” asked Commissioner Filch.

        “Conservatives were really short-sided. They relinquished control to Liberal special interest groups, and those progressives kept multiplying and expanding their influence, so now every time there’s an election these days, groups of white do-gooders are just as much to blame as those Dumbed-Down Obama Supporters looking for more free stuff,” Swindle said. 

        “But why was June 8, 2008 the date to remember when you’re trying to explain the reason Hamilton County officially turned forever Blue?” asked Commissioner Pilfer.

        “That’s easy,” explained Commissioner Swindle. “That was the date Republicans in Hamilton County found a Demonic DemocRAT like $tan Che$ley who was rich enough to afford to buy all their souls, and those guys really sold out cheap!”

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.