Fit to be Tied

By James Jay Schifrin

 Last Monday in Patronage County, I went to the courthouse to bribe a commissioner.

 The receptionist stopped doing he nails. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

 On Tuesday, the receptionist cut short a personal phone call. “I’m sorry,” she smiled. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

 Wednesday, I interrupted her morning nap. “I’m sorry,” she yawned. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

 The same thing happened Thursday. The only difference was that she had to put down her “Playgirl” magazine to tell me Commissioners Pilfer and Filch were away, and Commissioner Swindle would be tied up all day.

By Friday, I’d had enough. “No excuses today!” I demanded, even before she could put down her coffee cup.”I understand Commissioner Pilfer is still on vacation and Commissioner Filch is out of town. But I won’t believe you when you tell me Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

 “I’m sorry sir, but it’s all true,” she said. “Whenever Commissioners Pilfer and Filch are out of the office, they always tie up Commissioner Swindle before they leave.”