MONDAY, JULY 29, 2024
TRUMP’S TWELVE HUNDRED-AND-EIGHTY-SIXTH DAY CAMPAIGNING OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND HERE’S SOMETHING YOU WON’T SEE ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS
— TODAY’S SATIRICAL WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO —
Satan Asks Democrats To Tone Down All The Evil
Satirical Web Pages Are Not Just For Laughs And They Show A Focused Picture Of How People Are Reacting To The News Of The Day.
Satire matters for more than one reason, but its main goal is to raise awareness about the current state of affairs and challenge their viewpoints by using humor and irony. It helps us confront the unpleasant reality and see the world as it is so that we can improve it.
A guy we’ll call “BIDEN-BASHER Tadwell” wanted to ask Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane how BOY TOY IS REACTING TO Trump’s selection of JD Vance to be his Vice President, since he represents JD Vance’s (R-Ohio) district.
“Nancy Pelosi told her Boy Toy to slam the vice presidential candidate for his views on abortion, women and marriage, arguing his was ‘one of the cruelest, most chaotic and downright weirdest’ VP campaigns,“ Kane explained.
The Olympic Village built for the 2024 Paris Summer Games is housing 14,250 athletes from 184 different countries. The Onion shares some of the most strict and surprising rules Olympians must follow during their stay.
- Turn off the torch if not using it: Frankly it’s ridiculous this even needs to be said, but it’s been on pretty much 24/7 and the gas bill is insane.
- No penetration before the starting pistol fires: No one should have an unfair advantage during sex.
- Take a minimum of two shifts at the Olympic Village co-op: Using the co-op also means giving back to the co-op.
- Vending machines only accept gold and silver medals: Change will not be given.
- Complete all Olympic Village side quests: Completing all villager and shopkeeper side quests is the only way to unlock the River Seine.
- No murdering: This rule actually applies outside the Olympic Village as well.
- Do not bring the Olympic torch into the shower: Water is not good for the flame.
- Forbidden romances must be preceded by a two-day yearning period: Whether athletes are representing rival superpowers or are competing in the same event, a minimum yearning period is necessary to maximize the passion of their affair.
- Athletes whose roommates commit suicide will receive automatic gold medals in each of their events: It is simply the right thing to do.
- Non-medalists must wear condoms: Only Olympians who make the podium are permitted to have bareback sex in order to limit the number of losers conceived.
- Use fake names during all sexual encounters: This makes it easier to say goodbye once the Olympics finally end.
- No race mixing past 9 p.m.: This is more of a French rule than an Olympics one.
The 2024 Summer Olympics are here, and this time they’re in France! But this isn’t your grandma’s Olympics. Eight exciting new events are here to challenge athletes from across the globe, and The Babylon Bee has the exclusive details.
Here is the complete list of new events for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games:
- Synchronized Surrendering: A beautiful French tradition going back millennia.
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Top 1,000,000 Reasons We Miss Trump | The Babylon Bee PodcastTop 1,000,000 Reasons We Miss Trump | The Babylon Bee Podcast
- Women’s armpit hair growing: Gross.
- Shotput the homo off the roof: France’s new migrant population has them in real position to challenge Iran.
- Freestyle losing to Hitler and waiting for America to save us: France once again the heavy favorite.
- 100-meter Jew chasing: A lot like the 100m dash, but with the added element of chasing down Jews.
- Downhill luge away from the suicide bomber: Motivating.
- Team not showering: Why, France?
- Cross country being obnoxious and pretending like you don’t understand English: Might as well give France the gold right now.
Which event is your favorite? Any suggestions for others? Let us know!
BABYLON BEE
NOW…LET’S COMPARE OUR OBVIOUS POLITICAL PARODIES WITH THIS ACTUAL WASHINGTON POST REPORT
Gannett ordered our local Morning Fishwrap to roll back op-eds after “repelling readers” with biased articles
• Readers didn’t want to be told what to do or how to think
• They were perceived as having a ‘biased agenda’ so Readers were canceling subscriptions
• The company is decreasing its editorial output and even scaling back cartoons
• The newspapers will no longer make political endorsements beyond a local level, like when The Fishwrap endorsed Crooked Hillary For President. 
Can You Tell If This Is The Real Story?
TODAY’S MESSAGE FROM WHAT’S LEFT OF TEAM JOE
Today Everybody Hereabouts Is Wondering Where Trump’s And Vance’s Next Packed 2024 Save America Rallies Will Be
The Whistleblower Newswire Is Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda
The Blower believes we’re still living during the most important period in American History for our non-stop crusade for Election Integrity and against Coordinated Leftist Insurrection and the Devolution of Our American Culture while Congress, the Deep State, and the Radical Media Establishment continue to lie to advance their Coordinated Leftist Agenda.
But first, we must see a Corleone Political Reckoning on Election Integrity Along With Indictments And Perp Walks For Laws Broken During The Illegal 2020 Presidential Election, without which nothing else really matters.
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles 
Foster Kane Says The Conservative Agenda is watching to see if any progress is made during the next 97 days before the 2024 elections.
