SATURDAY, DECEMBER 02, 2023
TRUMP’S ONE-THOUSAND-AND FORTY-SIXTH DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND AT YESTERDAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, MANY MEMBERS ASKED BUNKY TADWELL IF THE WHISTLEBLOWER MEMOIRS HE’S GHOST-WRITING WILL INCLUDE OUR GOOD OLD DAYS ON THE REAGAN CAMPAIGN IN 1980 WHEN WE FIRST CAME UP WITH MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
Gays in a Sleigh
This week, everybody who thought there might be some really unfortunate unforeseen consequences after Obama signed legislation to repeal that homophobic “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” legislation, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Phil Burr-ass, whose Gay Porn Collection is the envy of small-penis perverts everywhere.
Phil wins an “Elves Make Better Lovers” bumper sticker, a DVD of Phil’s favorite gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain,” and a chance to check out the updated client list at Ohio Disingenuous DemocRAT Party Chairman David A. Pepper’s Fake Floozies Dating Club, to see which elected officials might be using their services these days when they need to be seen in public with a woman. His winning limerick is:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Or if he goes either way?
Is that a chimney he’s down?
Then how come it’s brown?
Our old gods do have feet of clay.
Dishonorable Mentions
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he try to tell us he was born that way?
“When I slide down the chimney,
I whip out my Grand Prix,
And it’s just like a roll in the hay!”
What if Santa turned out to be gay
To other men he would look for a lay
He would never go straight
For only men he would date
No matter what others would say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay
He would probably live on San Francisco Bay
He would prance in his thongs
And dream of men’s dongs
And gay rights would be more than okay!
From Friends of Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
What if Santa turned out to be gay?”
And he wanted his lover to play;
He would take his sack,
Off of his back,
So it wouldn’t be in the way.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Could he keep all his boyfriends at bay?
‘Cuz if Mrs. Claus did discover,
Dudes were after her lover,
She’d shove all those new toys up his ‘A.’
What if Santa turned out to be gay;
With a rainbow taped onto his sleigh?
Since he likes young ages
The “elves” would be “pages”
With Dateline NBC not too far away!
From Gay Elected Officials (We Know Who You Are)
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And all of his elves, the same way?
They’d be packing fudge, and not presents
And making love to the peasants
(Us homophobes better watch what we say!!)
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And invited guys into his sleigh?
Jolly Old Saint Nick,
Would be sticking his wick,
In places we’d rather not say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
He’d be out of the priesthood, so they say.
Since he’s all dressed in fur,
With a strong scent of myrrh,
Perhaps we should all check his dossier.
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
With his boyfriend in back of the sleigh?
Would you still want his toys
If you knew he liked boys,
Or would you tell him to go flit away?
From Devou Park
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
And Mrs. Claus was his best friend, Ray?
The white-haired old coot
Would have a sore poop chute
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, hey?
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And gave a little boy a ride in his sleigh
And you caught him on the roof
With his pants down to his hoof,
Would the police come and take him away?
But things are different today
We know there’s nothing wrong with being gay
Men can be attracted to boys
And still walk around with poise
Barney Frank always lisped it was OK.
From Tomas de Torquemada:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he pack lots of fudge in his sleigh?
He might decide he’s a she,
And have to sit down to pee,
Then ask Rudolf to “come out” and play!
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this same-sex scenario:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that way).
Look at Sesame Street’s Elmo
His ventriloquist’s a homo
And for years, that was perfectly OK.
There’s Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis,
And all the wonderful things they give us.
Why, they have gay day parades
(But a lot of them have AIDS),
I think they are all thimply marvelous.
But they better stay away from little boys
They’re our kids, not some pedophile’s toys
If we catch them abusing
Some force we’ll be using
And then they will run out of poise.
Perturbed in Park Hills Says
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he pack lots of fudge in his sleigh?
Will he use non-binary reindeer
And visit only kids who are queer?
How ’bout his better half, Mrs. Claus?
Though she’s surely long past menopause,
She could still dress up like a drag queen
And tell stories to elves dressed in green
.
If Santa’s just a squealing dancer,
No wonder his reindeer’s named Prancer!
If he’s gay he’ll go for Mayor Pete
And the two of them, in their love seat,
Will fly up over the midnight moon
In an ecstatic perverted swoon.
PERCY DOVETONSILS SAYS:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he sniff guys’ hair, the Biden way?
He could fly into Pedophile Isle
With presents for an underage chile.
With his membership card to NAMBLA
He’d be a fine globe-trotting rambla.
And when it comes to his workshop elves,
They’re all waiting in line on the shelves.
Each one is prettier than the next,
Competing for who’s most oversexed.
But what about poor old Mrs. Claus?
Is she just a trophy wife, because
Her hubbie’s a big closet swinger?
She should give the old fart the finger,
Step out on the town for some action,
Exert her powers of attraction
Make Santa the one who’s a cuckold
While he’s busy being un-buckled.
Mrs. Santa should have her own sleigh
For when Rudolph comes over to play.
FINALLY, PANCHO VILLA HILLS SAYS:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he be int’rested in ballet?
He’d love to watch the mens’ Spandex tights
As they pranced across the stage like sprites.
What if Mrs. Claus noticed his lisp
And asked, “Are you a limp-wristed wisp?”
“And what’s this int’rest in antiquing?
And why at elves do you keep peeking?”
Poor Santa’d go back in the closet
Where he’d leave a certain deposit,
And go on pretending that he’s straight
While hiding his gay porn from his mate.
He’ll ask kids if they’re naughty or nice,
And then say, “If you want my advithe,
Check out thothe drag queen sthtory hourth
Dithplaying their tranthgender powerth.
Then tell your folkth they’ve mithgendered you,
With your gender they’d better not thcrew.”
Gay Santa has the moral high ground
While his overworked pud he doth pound