TODAY IS
SATURDAY, MARCH 21, 2020
Trump’s 1156th Day In Office
This E-dition Was Quarantined In The Whistleblower Archives Due To China’s Deadly Kung Flu Virus. Although Our March 19, 2019 Opening Day Issue Had Been Previously Scheduled For Updating, It Would Have Been Impossible For Our Staff To Edit It Under Current Government Social Distancing Protocols.
These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know
Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.
These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.
“Opening Day Jitters” By James Jay Schifrin
RRRIINNGGGG!
“Hello, Cincinnati Reds? This is Commissioner Swindle in Patronage County. Are you still looking for a famous person to throw out the first ball on Opening Day?”
“Who’d you have in mind, Commissioner?”
“We’re all sorry to hear the president isn’t coming. Maybe the Vice President will be busy too. Shouldn’t you get someone else, just in case?”
“John Boehner is no longer third in line of succession, Commissioner. Mitch McConnell is still caving in to the Disingenuous D-RATS these days.”
“What About Rob Portman?”
“We already have him scheduled on LGBT Night?”
“How about somebody a little closer to home?”
“We’ve checked all the Republican Presidential Candidates including Ohio’s Delusional Ex-Governor Kasich. All the important people are busy working that day.”
“What a coincidence. I don’t have any county business scheduled. I’d love to. Thanks for asking.”
“Sorry, Commissioner. You throw too many curve balls.”
“Well then, let me catch it. I’m really an important person. Check the White House list again.”
“We already did, Commissioner. They said not to ask you.”
“After all I’ve done in Patronage County?”
“Sorry, Commissioner they’re afraid you’re going to drop the ball again.”
This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on April 8, 1981, and has been updated with current references to fit the situation today.
