TODAY IS
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2019
Best Fake Impeachment Ever
Trump’s 1,064th Day In Office
Gays in a Sleigh
This week, everybody who thought there might be some really unfortunate unforeseen consequences after Obama signed legislation to repeal that homophobic “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” legislation, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Phil Burr-ass, whose Gay Porn Collection is the envy of small-penis perverts everywhere.
Phil wins an “Elves Make Better Lovers” bumper sticker, a DVD of Phil’s favorite gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain,” and a chance to check out the updated client list at Ohio Disingenuous DemocRAT Party Chairman David A. Pepper’s Fake Floozies Dating Club, to see which elected officials might be using their services these days when they need to be seen in public with a woman. His winning limerick is:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Or if he goes either way?
Is that a chimney he’s down?
Then how come it’s brown?
Our old gods do have feet of clay.
Dishonorable Mentions
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he try to tell us he was born that way?
“When I slide down the chimney,
I whip out my Grand Prix,
And it’s just like a roll in the hay!”
What if Santa turned out to be gay
To other men he would look for a lay
He would never go straight
For only men he would date
No matter what others would say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay
He would probably live on San Francisco Bay
He would prance in his thongs
And dream of men’s dongs
And gay rights would be more than okay!
From Friends of Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
What if Santa turned out to be gay?”
And he wanted his lover to play;
He would take his sack,
Off of his back,
So it wouldn’t be in the way.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Could he keep all his boyfriends at bay?
‘Cuz if Mrs. Claus did discover,
Dudes were after her lover,
She’d shove all those new toys up his ‘A.’
What if Santa turned out to be gay;
With a rainbow taped onto his sleigh?
Since he likes young ages
The “elves” would be “pages”
With Dateline NBC not too far away!
From Gay Elected Officials (We Know Who You Are)
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And all of his elves, the same way?
They’d be packing fudge, and not presents
And making love to the peasants
(Us homophobes better watch what we say!!)
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And invited guys into his sleigh?
Jolly Old Saint Nick,
Would be sticking his wick,
In places we’d rather not say.
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
He’d be out of the priesthood, so they say.
Since he’s all dressed in fur,
With a strong scent of myrrh,
Perhaps we should all check his dossier.
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
With his boyfriend in back of the sleigh?
Would you still want his toys
If you knew he liked boys,
Or would you tell him to go flit away?
From Devou Park
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
And Mrs. Claus was his best friend, Ray?
The white-haired old coot
Would have a sore poop chute
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, hey?
What if Santa turned out to be gay,
And gave a little boy a ride in his sleigh
And you caught him on the roof
With his pants down to his hoof,
Would the police come and take him away?
But things are different today
We know there’s nothing wrong with being gay
Men can be attracted to boys
And still walk around with poise
Barney Frank always lisped it was OK.
From Tomas de Torquemada:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he pack lots of fudge in his sleigh?
He might decide he’s a she,
And have to sit down to pee,
Then ask Rudolf to “come out” and play!
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this same-sex scenario:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
(Not that there’s anything wrong with that way).
Look at Sesame Street’s Elmo
His ventriloquist’s a homo
And for years, that was perfectly OK.
There’s Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis,
And all the wonderful things they give us.
Why, they have gay day parades
(But a lot of them have AIDS),
I think they are all thimply marvelous.
But they better stay away from little boys
They’re our kids, not some pedophile’s toys
If we catch them abusing
Some force we’ll be using
And then they will run out of poise.
Finally, From Perturbed in Park Hills:
What if Santa turned out to be gay?
Would he pack lots of fudge in his sleigh?
Will he use non-binary reindeer
And visit only kids who are queer?
How ’bout his better half, Mrs. Claus?
Though she’s surely long past menopause,
She could still dress up like a drag queen
And tell stories to elves dressed in green
.
If Santa’s just a squealing dancer,
No wonder his reindeer’s named Prancer!
If he’s gay he’ll go for Mayor Pete
And the two of them, in their love seat,
Will fly up over the midnight moon
In an ecstatic perverted swoon.
