TODAY IS
SATURDAY, JULY 27, 2019
Trump’s 918th Day In Office

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Clueless Conferences” By James Jay Schifrin

         This week our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about those political speeches when all those Dark-Skinned DemocRATS descended upon Cincinnati for the National Urban League Conference last year at this time.

“I see Obama’s Doofus Vice President made his usual stupid remark,” said Commissioner Filch.

“Right,” interrupted Commissioner Swindle. “He told all those Obama-loving DemocRATS who were there to talk about finding jobs for Black people during the Age of Obama when Black Unemployment was twice as high as it is for whites, he was looking to the future and retirement and wishing he had a Republican son – to help pay for his retirement home.”

“And what about Rand Paul?” asked Commissioner Pilfer. “Wasn’t he supposed to be a ‘Conservative Republican?”

“He was pandering for Black votes for his 2016 Presidential Campaign attempting to gin up support for criminal justice reform, school choice, and economic freedom zones during his address to the Urban League convention,” explained Commissioner Swindle. “A lot of good that will do him! The chance of any of those Dumbed-Down DemocRATS ever voting for a Republican is nil.

“But it would be interesting to hear if Rand Paul changed his tune when he spoke to the white people at the Northern Kentucky Chamber of Commerce in Covington later in the day,” Commissioner Pilfer said.

“PMSNBC Commentator Al Sharpton provided his usual race-baiting at the National Urban League Conference,” Commissioner Swindle said. “He was doing his best to get black folks out standing in line for early voting in 2014. There were only about 100 more days at that point in time,” Swindle said.

“Did anybody we know from Patronage County attend the National Urban League Conference in Cincinnati last year? Jobs are always important to people,” Commissioner Filch said.

“Maybe we try to get the National Suburban League to hold their conference in Patronage County,” suggested Commissioner Swindle. “Jobs are important to white people, too, and there are a hell of a lot more of them who vote.” 

         This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.