It Was So Cold…

Timing is everything in comedy, so if you were ever going to tell your best “It was so cold” joke, yesterday would’ve been a pretty good day to tell it. 

That of course includes all those folks who can’t start a conversation without first giving you a weather report. How many times did somebody ask you if it was cold enough for you yesterday? Not too many, we would imagine.

 It was “so cold” yesterday for a lot of people. Late night hosts ganged up on the weather. Folks on Facebook tried to pretend they had a sense of humor about it, too. Even some people in the news media tried to get in on the game. Meanwhile, some of our favorite folks thought it was so cold, too:

 The Trumpster said, “It was so cold, DemocRATS in Congress will have to clap to keep warm during my State of Disunion Speech.” Republicans in Congress who still haven’t gotten the money for Trump’s Wall, said, “It was so cold, we thought we felt our spines stiffen.” But that was only a momentary twinge, because they will all be in their places with bright shiny faces next Tuesday night. Schools were closed yesterday for another day of record Global Warming. WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham says he hasn’t seen weather this cold since he was a draft dodger in Saskatchewan. Steve Chabothead said, “It was so cold yesterday I wore a warm wombat on my head and nobody even complained.” And Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says all those women never believed me when I blamed the size on my penis on the cold weather.

Hurley the Historian says on this day in 1834, Andrew Jackson became the first president to use federal troops against his own people, and many people are wondering how long it will be before Trump does the same thing.

And what about our City of Cincinnati’ Winter Operations Information, which appears to be just a little out-of-date.. 

Would you like to see why it takes the City of Cincinnati so long to get the snow off the streets? Check out your over-taxed dollars at work.

We remember a few years ago when they told all the businesses to let their employees go home early and turned the normal three-hour afternoon drive period time into an eight-hour ordeal for everybody, and folks waiting at home could watch every excruciating moment on the Artimis web site. And did all those folks who shivered on Metro buses with no heat for more than three hours just to get home from downtown at least get a partial refund?

Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering says even if it’s so cold the Post Office is closed tomorrow, you still have to have your Jacked Up Property Taxes post-marked before midnight or our Disingenuous D-RAT Double-Dipping Obama-Loving County Auditor will still publish your name in The Fishwrap, along with all those other deadbeats.”

Speaking of The Fishwrap, Metro Mole says everybody is staying warming getting ready to publish all that heart-warming politically correct Trump-bashing diversity news during Black History Month. How’s that for great timing?

The week’s best winter weather story was when that 12 year old New Hampshire girl got her tongue stuck to a flagpole after licking it during a blizzard. Just ask anybody who’s ever seen “A Christmas Story.”  

Fire Department officials are asking the public to refrain from bringing propane tanks to homeless encampments during the historic cold snap, stating that the tanks are a fire and explosion hazard.

Channel Nine called last night to ask for a “nipple check.” 

In Anderson Township, Township Trustee Andy Pappas says we’re trying to come up with a “motto” for the Township. Do you think it will be something with the word “White” in it? Caucasians in Warren County say it’s too late. “We’re already The Great White North.”

The only thing better than owning a snow blower during the winter would be if your next door neighbor didn’t have to go into work, and he’d just bought a brand new snow blower, and he was begging you to let him try it out on your driveway. 

In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says, “What a bunch of wussies! Three flakes of snow and the Boondoggle County Snow Plow Drivers Training Classes were called off.

”How cold was it in Northern Kentucky? Phyllis on Madison was charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.

Finally, yesterday at a bribe lunch, a Political Insider asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the cold weather coverage on TV, and Kane said they should forget all those charts and graphs, and just show those TV reporters doing their reports outside in the sub-zero weather telling their best “It was so cold” jokes. That would be a lot more entertaining.

Maybe that’s why Our Quote for Today Committee chose William Shakespeare’s “Now is the winter of our discontent.”

But when it comes to quotes with the word “cold,” Kane said you can’t do better than “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” Who knew Kane was Sicilian?

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—        

       Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Winter Wussies to show that always complaining about the weather is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t frozen stiff.

            This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially “Randy” from “A Christmas Story.”

GLOBAL WARMING HOT LINE

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Some sub-zero items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally sub-zero Subscribers.

WEATHER WUSSIES WHINES

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Some cold-hearted items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally cold-hearted subscribers.

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The Snow Plow Man

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