Special “Public Masturbation Update” E-dition

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2018
Trump’s 593rd Day In Office

The Need to Be More Specific on “Indecent Exposure” Charges

At this afternoon’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, of the Conservative Agenda, everybody was wondering if Angry Andersonians might learn something about the local judicial races along with the latest on the City of Cincinnati’s efforts to stick it to the Townships on water rates at tonight’s meeting, like it said in that e-mail from the East Side Republican Club, whatever the hell that is.

There’s not much going on with actual candidates this year:Colonel Podiatrist Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup is running for reelection against a Dweeb DemocRAT. “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman has a similar meaningless opponent in his so-called race for the Ohio House. Supposedly there’s a Reclusive Republican running against Hamilton County’s Double-Dipping DemocRAT Auditor, but Political Insiders were telling Beloved Whistleblower Publisher how dull things are going to be without an Andy Pappas Anderson Trustee race, or voting out that terrible trio of Mendacious Members of the Forest Hills School Board who were caving in to political correctness over changing the name of the Redskins mascot. “Local political campaigns are certainly a lot less interesting,” Kane agreed, that is ever since Disgraced Ex-Anderson Township Trustee Kevin P. O’Brien had his public indecency charges dropped, just because only “one person saw it.”

Marvin Mandamus says the reason O’Brien got off, if you’ll excuse the expression, was because Hamilton County Prosecutor “JayWalking Joe” Deters’ charges weren’t nearly “specific” enough. Terms like “Public Masturbation” or “Indecent exposure” were obviously not colorful enough to describe Disgraced Ex-Anderson Trustee Kevin O’Brien’s atrocious actions.

So now our Cunning Linguist suggests that instead of a term like “Public Masturbation,” some of those vile-and-disgusting egregious expressions might include:

Abusing the wicked stick, Adjusting the antenna, Aiding and abetting a known felon, Applying the hand brake, Arguing with Henry Longfellow, Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel, Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior, Audition your hand puppet, Backstroke roulette, Badgering the witness, Barking up the wrong tree, Bashing the candle, Basting the ham, Battling the purple-headed yogurt slinger, Being rough with the sex stick, Being your own best friend, Beating the bishop, Beating the bologna, Beat the dummy, Beating your meat, Beating your pud, Beating the stick, Beating up your date, Beef tips stroking off, Bleeding the weed, Blowing your own horn, Bludgeoning the beefsteak, Bopping the bologna, Bopping the bonzo, Boxing the Jesuit, Boxing with Richard, Brushing up on your typing skills, Buffing the banana, Buggering your hand, Building upper-body strength, Burping the baby, Burping the worm, Buttering the corn, Calling down for more mayo, Calling in the secret service, Caning the vandal, Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile, Charming the snake, Checking for testicular cancer, Cheesing off, Choking Kojak, Choking the chicken, Choking the sheriff and wait for the posse to come, Clamping the pipe, Cleaning your rifle, Cleaning out your account, Clearing the snorkel, Climb the tree, Closet Frisbee, Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally, Combing your hair, Communing with nature, Consulting with your silent partner, Corralling your tadpole, Couch hockey for one, Cranking the love pump, Cranking the shank, Crimping the wire, Crowning the king, Crushing pop cans in the dark, Cuddling the kielbasa, Cuffing the carrot, Daisy-chaining, Dancing in the dragon’s fiery breath, Dancing with the one-eyed sailor, Dating Miss Michigan, Dating Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters, Dating Rosie Palm and her five sisters, Debugging the hard drive, Defrosting the fridge, Digital penile oscillation, Discovering your own potential, Distributing free literature, Doing handiwork, Doing it your way, Doing the janitor thing, Doing the white knuckler, Doing your homework, Draining the monster, Dry humping the ottoman, Eating grapes with the one-armed man, Electing the President, Engaging in safe sex, Exercising one’s right, Exercising your right to privacy, Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love, Feeding the ducks, Feeding bologna to the Smurfs, Feeling your way around, Fiddling the flesh flute, Firing the pound gun, Fishing with dynamite, Fisting your mister, Five knuckle shuffle, Flicking your Bic, Flinging your phallus, Flipping the bishop, Flipping your omelet, Flogging the bishop, Flogging the dolphin, Flogging the dong, Flogging the log, Flogging the mule, Flogging the egg man, Fly fishing, Fondling your flagpole, Freeing Willy, Frosting the pastries, Frosting your maple bar, Frying up the corndog. Galloping the old lizard, Gardening with the golden trowel, Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion, Getting a date with Slick Mittens, Getting the German soldier marching, Getting to know yourself, Getting your pole varnished, Giving it a tug, Giving your low five, Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money, Going a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh, Going blind, Going on a date with Fisty Palmer, Going on a date with Handrea and Palmela, Going the blow, Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader’s head, Goosing the gherkin, Greasing the pipe, Greasing the three-legged cow, Hand job, Hard labor, Having one off the wrist, Helping put Mr. Kleenex’s kids through college, Hitchhiking to heaven, Hitchhiking underneath the big top, Hitting too close to home, Hoisting your own petard, Holding the bishop, Hold the sausage hostage, Holding your own, Honing the cone, Honking your horn, Hosing down the driveway, Hotfooting it to the nearest exit, Hugging the hog, Humping your hose, Investing in pork bellies, Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell, Jack hammer, Jazzing yourself, Jerk Jamby, Jerking the gherkin, Left to your own devices, Letting the cat out of the bag, Liquidating the inventory, Locking the bathroom door, Looking for ticks, Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne, Loping the mule, Loving the Muppet, Love’s labors lost, Lubricating the love monkey, Making a foreskin cone, Making instant pudding, Making the bald man puke, Making a cash withdrawal, Making chowder with sailor Ned, Making it up as you go along, Making magic with leftovers, Making soup, Making the bald man cry, Making the bread rise, Making the world safe for democracy, Mangle the midget, Manipulating the mango, Manual labor, Manual override, Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock, Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters, Milking the lizard, Milking the moose, Milk the self, Mounting a corporal and four, Much goo about nothing, Nerking your throbber, Nulling the void, Oiling the glove, Onan’s Olympics, One gun salute, One man band, One-night-stand with yourself, Opening the flood gates, Packing your palm, Paddling the pickle, Painting the ceiling, Painting the pickle, Painting the flag pole, Painting the picket fence, Palming the calm, Paying at the turnpike, Peeling the banana, Perform diagnostics on your man tool, Petting the lizard, Pipping the pumpkin, Playing a little five-on-one, Playing a one-stringed guitar, Playing five against one, Playing in a one-man show, Play peek-a-boo, Playing pocket pinball, Playing pocket pool, Playing tag with the pink torpedo, Playing the skin flute, Playing tug-o-war with Cyclops, Playing Uno, Playing it safe, Playing the one-stringed melody, Playing the single-string air guitar, Plugging in the toaster, Plunking your twanger, Polishing Percy in your palm, Polishing the family jewels, Polishing the helmet, Polishing the rocket, Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter, Polishing the sword, Pounding off, Pounding the bald-headed moose, Pounding your pud, Pounding your flounder, Pounding the fence post, Prepare the carrot, Priming the pump, Pulling rank, Pulling the bologna pony, Pulling the carrot, Pulling the goalie, Pulling the pole, Pulling the Pope, Pulling your pud, Pulling your own leg, Pulling your taffy, Pulling your own weight, Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap, Pumping the python, Pumping the stump, Punching the clown, Punching the munchkin, Punishing Percy in your palm, Putting your best foot forward, Putting your foot down, Putting your thumb in the porridge, Raining on your parade, Ramming the ham, Relishing your hot dog, Riding the five-legged pony, Rolling your own, Rolling it off the lot, Romeo and himself, Roping the pony, Roping the Pope, Rubbing one out, Rubbing the pink eraser, Rubbing Buddha’s tummy, Running off a batch by hand, Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights, Safest sex, Sailing the mayonnaise seas, Saluting the general, Sampling the secret sauce, Sanding wood, Scouring the tower of power, Scraping the bottom of the barrel, Scratch the itch, Screwing your courage to the sticking place, Secret handshake, Self abuse, Self-induced penile regurgitation, Sex with someone you really love, Shaking hands with Abe Lincoln, Shaking hands with the midget, Shaking hands with the unemployed, Shaking hands with your John Thomas, Shaking hands with your wife’s best friend, Shaking hands with Yul Brynner, Shaking the sauce, Shaking the sausage, Shaking the snake, Shaking hands with Dr. Winky, Shellacking the shillelagh, Shemping the hog, Shifting gears, Shining the helmet, Shining your pole, Shooting for the moon, Shooting putty at the moon, Shooting the airplane, Shooting yourself in the foot, Shucking your corn, Sizing things up, Slamming the ham, Slamming the salami, Slamming the salmon, Slamming the Spam, Slapping high fives with Yul Brynner, Slapping it, Slapping pappy, Slapping the carrot, Slapping the clown, Slapping the donkey, Slapping the purple-headed yogurt pistol, Slapping the salami, Slapping Johnny on the back, Slinging the jelly, Smacking the salami, Smiting the pink knight, Snapping the monkey, Snapping the rubber, Snapping the whip, Solo flight, Solo marathon, Solo sex, Spanking Elvis, Spanking the bishop, Spanking the frank, Spanking the monkey, Spanking the salami, Spanking the wank, Spanking the rooster, Spending your Christmas bonus, Squeezing the cheese, Squeezing the juice, Squeezing the toothpaste in the middle of the tube, Squeezing your cheese-dog, Squeezing the happy lumberjack, Stewing in your own juices, Stinky pinky, Stirring the batter, Stirring the yogurt, Straining the main vein, Straining your cabbage, Stretching the truth, Strip-mining with the spaghetti man, Stroking the carrot, Stroking the mole, Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko, Stroking the satin-headed serpent, Stroking your poker, Stroking your Twinkie, Strumming the one-string harp, Taking matters into your own hands, Taking part in population control, Taking the fifth, Taking the monster for a one-armed ride, Taking a few practice shots, Taking a load off, Talking quietly to yourself, Taming the shrew, Taunting the one-eyed weasel, Teaching the Cyclops the lambda, Teasing the weenie, Tenderize the tube steak, Tending to your own affairs, Testing your batteries, That crazy hand jive, Thrashing your thing, Thumping the pump, Thumping your thong, Tickling the ivory, Tickling the pickle, Tickling the taco, Tickle-wiggle-jiggle-pickle, Tipping off the inspector, Tossing the snag, Tossing the turkey, Tossing yogurt, Tugging the slug, Twanging the wire, Tweaking your Twinkie, Twisting your crank, Unleashing the alabaster yak, Unloading the gun, Unpacking the moving van, Varnishing the flagpole, Varnishing the banister, Visiting with Papa Smurf, Waking the dead, Walking the dog, Walking the plank, Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly’s shoes, Wallowing in self pity, Wanking with the one-eyed wonder weasel, Washing the meat, Waxing the Buick, Waxing the carrot, Wax the dolphin, Waxin’ n’ Milkin’, Whacking it, Whacking the weasel, Whacking Willy, Whipping the dummy, Whipping the one-eyed trouser snake, Whipping the one-eyed worm, Whipping the rat, Whipping the stiff, Whipping the wire, Whipping up some sour cream, Whipping your dripper, Whitewashing with Huck and Tom, Whittling the stick, Wiggling your walrus, Windsurfing on Mount Baldy, Wonking your conker, Working things out, Working at your own speed, Working late at the office, Working up a foamy lather, Working without Annette, Wrestling the dragon, Wrestling the eel, Wrestling with the bald champ, Wringing out your rope, Wrist aerobics, Yanking the crank, Yanking the yo-yo, and Yanking your plank.