SATURDAY, MAY 19, 2018

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Thanks for the Memorial” By James Jay Schifrin

         This weekend in Patronage County, it was only Armed Forces Day, but everybody was still getting ready for the big upcoming Memorial Day Weekend, and our three Corrupt County Commissioners were talking about how they were going exploit the occasion, as if there was ever a holiday they wouldn’t exploit.

         “People always expect us to press the flesh on patriotic holidays,” said Commissioner Filch. “It’s right here on our job descriptions.”

         “And since we’re always campaigning, shaking hands and kissing babies make for some great photo ops,” Commissioner Swindle explained.

         “Nothing’s better than a parade to make us look patriotic,” added Commissioner Pilfer, “except TV likes cute kids waving flags more than politicians.”

         “Especially since none of us ever served in the military, we can’t even show up wearing our uniforms,” Swindle said.

         “You mean ‘If you weren’t a vet, you’d best forget?’ ” replied Pilfer.

         “You bet, and did you see where that township trustee was so starved for publicity on Memorial Day he posted a picture of himself on Facebook standing on some poor veteran’s grave?” Commissioner Filch asked.

         “I’m sure the dead guy’s family thought it was OK,” Swindle said.

         “So is there any special message we’re trying to get out this Memorial Day?” asked Commissioner Pilfer.

         “Same old, same old,” said Commissioner Swindle. “It’s just a warm-up for our big summer show of patriotism on July 4.”

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.