FRIDAY, MAY 4, 2018
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
On Cinco de Mayo, please don’t ask if all of the ballots for our free, fair, open, and honest elections in Hamilton County should also be printed in Spanish. —Hamilton County Board of Elections
Did we need Spanish translators at this year’s Lincoln Reagan Day Dinner Night (whenever the hell that was) that got absolutely no publicity?—Hamilton County RINO Party Boss ALEX T., Mall Cop GOP
Our illegal voters already know to vote. —Hamilton County Dem-Labor Party Chairman Tim Burka
More Sanctuary City Hispanics would’ve voted for me on last year, but they were afraid of people deported—Cincinnati’s Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley
Stealth Elections are always a great time to try to sneak through a tax increase. —Hamilton County Communities With Tax Hikes On Tuesday’s Ballots
Please don’t ask why we urged people to vote “No” that time on the Northwest Schools Levy. —Republicans for Higher Taxes
It wasn’t fair. We didn’t even get to vote to recall the Forrest Gump School Board for taking “appropriate inaction” regarding that so-called investigation into Scandal-plagued Superintendent “Smiling Dallas” Jackson’s activities after they finally emerged from executive hiding and attempt to cover their asses for hiring “Smiling Dallas” in the first place. —Angry Andersonians
Turpin Teachers had already been instructed that on all future Spanish tests, my son’s score would be “Magnifico!” —Smiling Dallas
Wasn’t Anderson voted “Best neighborhood to live” in Cincinnati for the sixth year in a row by “City Beat” Magazine, even with a racist name like Redskins for our Anderson High School football team? —“Suercules” Veldkamp at Keep Our Redskins!
Don’t forget our big 2018 Redskins Rally at the Anderson Center tomorrow night. You can order your tickets HERE. —Anderson Boosters
Last weekend on the Soccer Fields on Kellogg, we ignored that sign some gringo put up that said “Bebidas alcohólicas prohibidas.” —Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose
Our Hispano-Filipino employees in Manila also celebrated “Cinco de Mayo” while they weere mislabeling all communications from The Blower’s computer as “El Spamo.” —Cincinnati Bell
And on “Cinco De Mayo,” the word for a gay guy is “El Homosexual.” —Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback
I dreamed I drank the world largest Margarita on Cinco de Mayo and woke up to find salt all over the rim of my toilet bowl. —Larry “The Cable Guy”
Did you see those hot girls I sponsored at Cincy-Cinco on Fountain Square mud wrestling in an inflatable pool filled with guacamole? —Jerry Springer
Which one of my extra nacho cheesy Cinco de Mayo pick-up lines do you like best: “I want to taste your fish taco,” “Hey chica! There’s like, a fiesta in my pantalones and you and your amigas are invited,” or “Do I have protection? Oh yeeee-ah, I’m wearing a rubber sombrero.” —Señor Andrés Pappas
Every Cinco de Mayo I always remember what a hottie Sasha Rionda used to be on TV12. —Horny in Harrison
In 2016, I showed how much I loved Hispanics by eating a Taco Bowl 
made in the Trump Tower Grill. —Donald Trump
Is tomorrow going to be a great Kentucky Derby or what? —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
I really like it when jockeys use a whip. —DemocrAT Dominatrix Kathy Groob
Never bet on “Short Leash,” he doesn’t finish. —Miss Vicki
That’s why we chose Will Rogers’, “Money, horse racing and women are three things the boys just can’t figure out.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
Did any of those little jockeys like to ride bareback? —Nobody Doesn’t Like Jenni Lee
We like it when they mention us when they sing “My Old Kentucky Home.” —Gay Darkies
We would always favor a jockey who would let us come from behind. —Ben Dover 
and Phil McKrevis
Didn’t everybody you know bet on “Fake News?” —Turfway Touts
I still never figured out what “Mubtaahij” meant last two years ago. —Goof Doofus
On the anniversary of the date John Scopes was charged for teaching evolution in Tennessee, all candidates for a Darwin Award will get a free admission. —The Lizard Museum
Don’t forget Opening Day for my Y’All Ville baseball team is coming up on May 10, and they haven’t lost a single game yet. —Mayor Blondie Whalen
Isn’t it amazing that this year “Cinco De Mayo” comes on May 5? —Trish the Dish, TV 19 News
If it came a day later, would we call it “Sexto de Mayo?” —WCPO-TV Helicopter Reporter Dan Carroll (Formerly with TV 19)
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This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Gay Darkies.
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