SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 2018

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

 “Patriotic Politicians” By James Jay Schifrin

         Patriots’ Day on the Third Monday in April was fast approaching, and at the Patronage County Courthouse our three publicity-obsessed county commissioners had called in noted Spin Doctor Freddie Flacker, to ensure the public saw them as the most patriotic politicians in history.

        “What if we’re seen riding on a tank in the Patronage County Patriots Day Parade?” asked Commissioner Pilfer. “That ought to make us look like real war heroes.”

        “That probably wouldn’t be a good idea,” said the Spin Doctor. “You’d probably come off looking like Michael Dukakis, since one of you was only a PFC and the other two dodged the draft.”

        “What if we were photographed standing in front of a big American flag?” asked Commissioner Filch. “It worked for General Patton.”

        “But not for Obama,” replied the Spin Doctor. “Remember that picture of him not saluting when everybody else had their hands over their hearts?”

        “Here’s an idea,” suggested Commissioner Swindle. “What if we dedicated Main Street that runs all the way through the county in honor of a local war hero who died defending our country?”

        “Pardon me, Commissioner,” replied the Spin Doctor. “I don’t see how signs honoring a fallen war hero would get the three of you any good publicity.”

        “It would if they made the signs really big so they could put our names on them, too,” Swindle said.

         This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.