FRIDAY, JANUARY 12, 2018
A Shitstorm Of Biblical Proportions
At this morning’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the way everybody in the world is over-reacting to another typical anti-Trump WaPo FAKE NEWS report (this one, claiming The Trumpster had forgotten to sugar coat the truth one more time and used the word “Shithole” during a private meeting). Who’s winning the Media Contest to see who can say “Shithole” the most?
“I’m glad you asked,” Kane explained. “That reminds me about the way the PC Police at The Fishwrap couldn’t stop blowing the whistle after Cincinnati Reds Manager Bryan Price set a National League record for the number of times a major league manager used the word “fuck” during his expletive-laden rant against a deserving member of the news media like C. Trent Rosencrans.”
Which is exactly why Your Quote for Today Committee chose George Carlin’s “Seven Bad Words you’re Not Allowed to Say on TV” (“Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.”)
But The Blower says it’s a good thing the Reds Manager didn’t say something “really outrageous.” Our Belligerent Black Blogger Nate “Rhymes With Hate” Livingston says you can’t imagine the media madness that would ensue if he’d been quoted calling one of his overpaid-and-underperforming Black ballplayers a “Lazy Nigger.” Alternate Life-styles Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis, along with Cincinnat Clowncil Gay Chris Squealback say he’d better not call somebody a “cock-sucking faggot” for striking out in the bottom of the ninth inning with the bases loaded to lose the playoffs. Meanwhile, over at The Fishwrap’s Idiotorial Board, you can’t imagine the hissy fit those sissies would throw if the Cincinnati Reds Manager ever declared he was proud to be pro-life, a Christian, or God forbid, a Trump Supporter.
The Blower remembers when we published Bryan Price’s Line-up Card from that night’s game.
So Now Let’s Meet Today’s Guest Editor:
Why, it’s none other than noted wordsmith and esteemed etymologist Bryan Roberts Price, whose Ebonics lesson plan for inner city schools using the word “Fuck” as all eight parts of speech is an important reason our schools so successful these days.
That’s why The Blower, which takes pride in supporting cunning linguists, is pleased to select the Cincinnati Reds Manager to be this week’s guest editor and choose a few news items where the word “Fuck” was actually an essential part of the story in previous Whistleblower E-ditions, plus a fucking Quickie for today’s E-dition from our Current Cadre of Conservative Columnists and Contributors.
From the Thursday, March 10, 2010 E-dition
Conservatives are still shaking their heads after reading the front page of Wednesday’s Fishwrap. The headline for Jennifer Loven’s Dissociated Press story said DemocRATS jubilant at Tuesday’s White House signing of Obama’s Trillion Dollar Federal Healthcare Takeover Bill that a majority of citizens of the United States were solidly against. Buried on page A-6 was a brief mention of Joe Biden’s “This is a Big F*#cking Deal” remark when our Tourette Syndrome Spokesman introduced Obama. The Blower even showed you this video in yesterday’s edition. [ Biden to Obama at Health Care Signing: ‘This is a Big F*#cking Deal’]
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Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our March fund-raising drive by the Tourette Syndrome Association, for our continued understanding when some people can’t help themselves from saying “Fuck.”
From the Tuesday, September 17, 2013 E-dition
TUESDAY in our Special “Obama’s Syrian SNAFU” E-dition, The Blower said “Just Think, In Only 1,221 More Days All this Fun Will Be Over!” and our “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” included:
“SNAFU” is a military slang acronym meaning “Situation Normal: All Fucked Up.” —Whistleblower’s Garrulous Grammarian Gerund Tadwell
From the Wednesday, April 9, 2014 E-dition
SODOMY RITES UPDATE: The Ohio ACLU says Judge Timothy Black’s same sex marriage ruling is a long-awaited development in equal rights for all Ohioans, but Republican State Rep-Tile John Becker reiterated his call for the impeachment of Judge Black. In a press release Becker said, “Judge Black should be kicked out of office and his butt buddy fag friends should all go fuck themselves – not each other.” That’s the problem with Becker. He’s too cautious and never says what he really thinks.
Meanwhile, over at Citizens for Community Values, Phil Burr-ass says he was not surprised at Judge Black’s ruling, but the people of Ohio voted 62-38 percent in 2004 defining marriage as one man and one woman. “The only way homosexual activists have any chance of forcing same-sex marriage down the throats of all Americans is through the courts, Burr-ass said. Ohio Republican Attorney General Mike DeWhine said he will vigorously defend the will of the people and appeal Judge Black’s decision, and is confident that the 6th District Court of Appeals will reverse Judge Black’s decision, unless Judge Mrs. $tan Che$ley gets the case.
From the Monday, July 14, 2008 E-dition
Coincidentally, last year on this date, The Blower was also reporting that Judge Ted Berry had told defendant Ivan Boykins “Fuck you!” in his Hamilton County Municipal Court. Add the son of Theodore M. Berry, the first Colored Mayor of Cincinnati, to the Fawning Fishwrap’s list of influential local Colored People currently celebrating the historic National Association for the Advancement of Liberal Colored People’s GOP-bashing Obama Rally in Cincinnati. And for only $12 each, we’re sure all those Obama-nators will be buying tickets to hear Judge Berry’s lecture on hate speech at the Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center this week.
From the Thursday, October 10, 2013 E-dition
PAC MAN’S PICKUP LINES: How does Bungals Cornerback Adam “Pac-Man” Jones ever find a skank to go home with him at a bar when he forces women to attack him with a bottle by cursing at them and criticizing their bodies? At “Pac Man’s” trial, Assistant Cincinnati Prosecutor Christopher Ryan quoted what the female witnesses said Jones said to them: “Fuck you, bitch. You ugly bitch. You disgusting bitch. You fat bitch. You sloppy bitch.” The Blower can only wonder the reaction if “Pac Man” ever tried to get in Queen Noble’s pants. Oh, the Profanity!
From the Wednesday, April 18, 2012 E-dition
And did you hear what happened Saturday night at The Fishwrap? Metro Mole says Saturday nights are always hectic and these days the staff is less than skeletal. They had a story on some gay issue and some fool pulled a stock photo from the library. Prominent were two women, one holding a sign with an arrow pointing at her partner captioned “I fuck her.” Many thousands of papers were off the presses and on their way to UDF and Kroger before some hero saw what had happened and hollered stop the presses and impounded most of the offending papers. Wedgie Washburn got an avalanche of calls from outraged readers. She told her staff they should not discuss this with anyone outside, nor even among themselves (First Amendment notwithstanding). Maybe she should’ve said not to e-mail stories to The Blower, too.
And From the Friday, August 2, 2013 E-dition
Queen Noble, who should now get out of the race and save Cincinnati Over-taxed Payers some of that $400,000 cost for the 2013 phony primary election told Berns, “It’s very sad you let criminals pull you out of the race. I know you may feel you’re doing the right thing, but you are dealing with motherfucking criminals who don’t give a motherfucking damn about the public and the public who just don’t give a motherfucking damn. Don’t you see? For the most part the public ain’t no better than the politicians making the public sick. It’s about money or sex. The media does the brainwashing to wit the public believe everything they hear. I’ll be robbed of votes during the primary election but I have a plan for such. My children are still kidnapped by the motherfucking U.S. government and Obama is making fun in the effort of not quitting to expect a different outcome. Well, fuck Obama and any of those other motherfuckers robbing my family and election. Never quit with or without justice over here in this Goddamn stolen country.”
AND A QUICKIE By Our Good Friend Bobby Leach
You probably won’t believe this, but the telephone # for Obamacare is 1-800-FUCK YOU (I-800-382-5968). It looks like our Washington idiots finally got something right.
Don’t believe it? Take a minute to call before they figure out what they’ve done.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 243 different websites for the production of today’s Blower.
Stories We’re Working On
TRUMP Calls Haiti a “SHITHOLE”
SLAMS Immigration From Turd World Countries
DENIES COMMENT; But Admits “Tough” Language
THREATENS To Record Future Oval Office Meetings
UNITED NATIONS Outraged and Offended
MEDIA MELTDOWN: ‘Nazi,’ ‘Evil,’ ‘KKK,’ ‘Terrorist Sympathizer’
CNN Says ‘Shithole’ 36 Times!
Whistleblower Web Poll
This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Web Poll respondents said will probably happen next following Trump’s Alleged “Shithole” Remark:
(A) Disingenuous DemocRATS plan to impeach Trump over “shithole countries” remarks: 2%
(B) Supreme Court agrees to hear “Shithole Case”: 1%
(C) Ohio’s Delusional Republican Governor John Kasich plans to go on another Sunday TV Talk Show: 1%
(D) #MuellerGate Special Counsel’s Mandate now includes “Shitholes”: 96%
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, “Ohio Gubernatorial Candidate Mike DeWhine. Award Winning Photo Illustration Artis Conception shows us DeWhine on “Secretary’s Day,” when he was a Sniveling Senator in Washington, ogling his aide Jessica Cutler, who blogged her dirty little secrets on the web. Also shown is Jessica’s picture in Playboy. Doesn’t anybody but The Blower remember the Jessica Cutler scandal?
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CNN Goes Over the Edge
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