SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2017

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Illegal Briefs” by James Jay Schifrin 

Scandal reared its ugly head in Patronage County last week. Remember when Genius Maddchild was bludgeoned to death last year when he tried to dislodge Commissioner Swindle’s sticky fingers from the public coffers?

Well, Maddchild now claims that someone in his own organization may have sent Swindle his briefs the night before the Great Debate.

Swindle, as you may recall, upstaged Maddchild with innuendos about his underwear during the televise event. Maddchild broke down, became a blithering idiot, and wet himself in front of the live studio audience. The rest is history.

“How else could Swindle have known about my Fruit of the Looms?” Maddchild sobbed at a recent press conference.

Swindle issued his standard denial of responsibility. But he did offer to cooperate fully with any reporter promising to say something nice about him.

Investigations uncovered the fact that Swindle’s illegitimate son had driven a county car to Maddchild’s office on the night in question.

“My son has his faults,” Swindle admitted,” But even he should have known the difference between a briefing book and a pair of jockey shorts with obscenities embroidered all over them.

When asked if he thought a mole could have been responsible, Maddchild said, “You might be right. My back yard’s full of them.”

This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on July 20, 1983.