SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2017

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“DemocRAT Voter Fraud Delayed” By James Jay Schifrin

         This week our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about how there was no more “Golden Week” for Dumbed Down DemocRATS,” after Ohio appealed a Liberal Doofus Federal Judge’s order in Columbus to the U.S. Supreme Court, and SOTUS returned the start of Early Voting in Ohio to the date provided by the duly elected General Assembly.

         “Did you see where Hereditary Patronage County Party Boss Peter Principal got his name in a prestigious national publication like yesterday’s Whistleblower?” asked Commissioner Filch. “Principal was forced to lay off his entire Early Voting Staff at his Board of Elections for the whole week when Early Voting was delayed throughout every Middlesex, village, and farm county, and ‘hood’ in Ohio.” 

         “But at least Ohio Poll Workers will have 28 days of meaningless part-time busy work beginning next week, unlike poll workers in Kentucky,” explained Commissioner Swindle.

         “Didn’t The Blower also report there’s no such thing as ‘Early Voting’ in the Bluegrass State? How can that be?” asked Commissioner Pilfer.

        “They only have ‘Absentee Voting’ in Kentucky,” said Commissioner Swindle. “And to get an “Absentee Ballot,” voters actually have to write or go to the County Clerk’s Office and apply for one. And Applicants must actually state a valid reason, under oath, why they can’t vote on Election Day like everyone else.”

         “So in Kentucky it’s not like Ohio where anybody can ‘vote early and often’ just because Disingenuous DemocRAT Party Bosses, Free-Stuff Dispensing Liberals, Rhyming Reverends, and Union Goons tell them to,” added Commissioner Filch.

         “I can’t image all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, And Planned To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Crooked Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap, and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19, would enjoy living in Kentucky,” responded Pilfer.

         “Maybe that’s why Kentucky legislators wrote their law that way,” Commissioner Swindle said.

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.