SATURDAY, AUGUST 5, 2017

Happy Paddlefest, Everybody

Paddlefest, in case you’ve forgotten, is when Liberal Loonies try to sell us down the river one more time, but founder Brewster Rhoads says his annual event is not to be confused with next week’s annual Gay Paddlefest, where Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis like to give each other spankings at Sawyer Point. Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback couldn’t wait to make his official opening announcement when he got to say, “Gentlemen, Start Your Spanking.”

Could you imagine the total confusion if Brewster’s Paddlefest was ever scheduled at the same time as the Gay Pride Weekend in Greater Cincinnati?

Anyway, Ex-Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-Ass wasn’t sure if today was the Gay Paddlefest, so he e-mailed us his Gay Paddlefest Joke anyway: “What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.”

Our Good Friend Bobby Leach sent us this joke for Paddlefest: “Two canoeists were paddling down the river, when they hit a concrete wall. One looked at the other and said, dam!” Bobby says there are a lot more canoeist and kayaker jokes out there, but they’re all pretty awful.

Rob “Fighting for Flotation” Portman said he really missed his annual Paddlefest photo op this morning, just like all those previous years. The Robmesister used to take his Gay Son Will kayaking all the time. (The gay one’s on the left) Portman’s press secretary forgot to tell us if he’d be back for the real event this weekend, since he probably figures he has solid support from the gay kayaking community.

Kayakers need to remember to have somebody with a kayak trailer meet them at the Finish Line Festival at Gilday Riverside Park, wherever the hell that is, or they’d be walking those nine miles back upstream to the Schmidt Boat Launch or wherever they paid all their money to park their cars. 

 At the same time in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo wonders why the South Shore never gets any credit for Paddlefest or even a small share of all that “Paddling Capital of America” News Hype. “Doesn’t anybody know the wet part of the Ohio River is actually in our state, no matter what it got named?” The Camboozler asked.

Whistleblower Web Poll 

This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Readers Poll respondents said will be the best part of this weekend’s Paddlefest Festivities:

              (A) Making Cincinnati the Paddling Capital of America: 2%

            (B) Paddling your kayak down the nine miles Finish Line Festival at Gilday Riverside Park: 1%

            (C) Walking your kayak the nine miles back to the Schmidt Boat Launch Ramp where you parked your car: 1%

            (D) Watching Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis paddle each other’s bottoms at the Gay Paddlefest at Sawyer Point: 96%

 

            Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!

 PADDLEFEST HOT LINE

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Some safe-boating items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally safe-boating Whistleblower Subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.