SATURDAY, JULY 15, 2017

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Spics and Scams” By James Jay Schifrin

        This week, our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about the best way to exploit Amnesty forIllegal Immigrants right here in Patronage County.

        “Voters always thought Obama was doing a really poor job handling the latest immigration crisis and believe he wanted to let most of the new illegal immigrants stay here despite majority support for their quick deportation,” said Commissioner Filch.

        “Right,” interrupted Commissioner Swindle. “And even those Liberals who claimed we should let all those illegal immigrants stay in the country wouldn’t agree to let any of them stay in own homes.”

         “The usual Liberal Hypocrisy,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “But do you remember how many millions of dollars the Obama Administration was willing to spend on all those detainees? That revamped ICE Detention Center in Texas offered suites with flat-screen TVs to Illegal Aliens, called Detainees ‘Residents,’ and Guards were called ‘Resident Advisors.’ Even the facility itself was referred to as a ‘Resident Center” rather than a Detention Center.”

         “The amenities didn’t stop there,” Swindle added. “Families were given health examinations upon arrival along with six sets of fresh clothing for each member. Medical attention was available at all times and residents also had access to a dentist.”

         “Other amenities included recreational fields, a library, internet access, and a cafeteria which served Illegals three all-you-can-eat meals a day,” said Commissioner Filch. “Plus, certified teachers would be on site to provide year-round education and small jobs would also be available paying Illegals $30-a-day for four hours of work.”

         “Fantastic!” exclaimed Commissioner Pilfer. “But since Obama’s no longer in office, how can we get some of those Federal Family Friendly Funds right here in Patronage County?”

“I’m not sure,” said Commissioner Swindle. “But somebody better call Patronage County Sheriff Buford Flogg immediately, before he tries to get himself a lot of publicity by telling our friends at the Patronage County Innuendo he sent a $68 bill to Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto to cover what he claims was the cost to keep an one of his Mexican citizens in the drunk tank overnight when your Illegal Immigrant Gardener Emanuel got picked up for pissing on the soccer field because the line at the Portolet was too long.”

         This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.