SATURDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2016

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“So Now You Know” by James Jay Schifrin

At last, we now know where we stand. The tension and uncertainty have passed.

For weeks, the public has been gripped by the agony of not knowing. Finally, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

Americans have always been optimistic. Crisis has always brought us closer together, to foster a feeling of solidarity. Now everywhere you go, you can’t help notice our pride.

Until now, the speculation has been endless. Study groups have been appointed. Think tanks and computers have advised us about the probabilities and our strategic options.

We’ve seen high-level press conferencced and briefings, commentary, updates, and special reports, along with analysis by anchorpersons, informed opinions from insider sources, and film to document the hostilities direct from the scenes.

We’ve been bombarded by headlines from far-off places, names of which most of us will never be able to spell or pronounce, let alone ever visit. People whose destinies are no longer in their own hands have become as familiar as members of our own families.

The outcome of these world-shaking events is still anybody’s guess, but in these troubled times, we can at least be consoled that we now have a better idea of what we’re up against.

All of the “wild card” teams have been selected, and the Bengals will enjoy the “home field advantage” as long as they’re in the playoffs.

This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on December 23, 1981.