SUNDAY, JUNE 26, 2016

More Politics Unusual

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says as we learned earlier today in our “Custer Court Martial” E-dition, on this date in 1876, Major Marcus Reno took command of the surviving soldiers of the 7th Cavalry, the ones who were on sick call the day before when Old Yellow Hair made that slight miscalculation of enemy troop strength and forgot to take along his three Gatling guns.

THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Major Reno’s: “Those of you who wish to make their escape follow me!.”

OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: Donald Trump is actually taking a break from the campaign to go visit his golf resort in Scotland tomorrow. Right after he leaves the U.S., Republicans will say, “Quick! Build the wall!” Trump’s campaign isn’t doing so well financially. A recent report said his campaign even spent over $100,000 for meals just last month. Trump was like, “Well, that’s the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie.” Bernie Sanders still hasn’t officially dropped out of the race for president, but earlier today, he gave a speech with the theme “Where do we go from here?” I think he was basically asking the crowd for directions back to Vermont. DemocRATS held a big sit-in on the House floor to protest Congress’ refusal to vote on gun control. Or in other words, DemocRATS were tired of Congress not getting anything done, so they refused to get anything done until someone got something done.

CONAN O’BRIEN said: Last night’s sit-in by Congressional Democrats was live-streamed and got over 3 million views. Which is why today, Congress got picked up for two seasons on Netflix. Some scientists say one day we may be able to store data in our DNA. If that’s true, then the floor of my college dorm room is a supercomputer. In response to Hillary Clinton’s slogan “I’m with her,” Donald Trump debuted his new slogan, “I’m with you.” Then Bernie Sanders debuted his new slogan, “I’m still here, dammit!” House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called “Dying at 50.” In its last few days before break, the Supreme Court has been arguing about race, immigration, and abortion. So basically, the Supreme Court has become most people’s families at Thanksgiving. It’s been reported that after leaving office, President Obama is considering owning an NBA team. They say Obama wants to be an NBA owner because it’s his only chance to get someone on the court.

JAMES CORDEN said: House DemocRATS staged a dramatic 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to force a vote on background check provisions. The DemocRATS decided to get the Republicans’ attention by doing something they can relate to: sitting on their butts and getting nothing done. The truth is the sit-in failed to force a vote, but it was a huge success in at least one way: It finally bumped Donald Trump out of the news for 24 hours — which, seriously, thank you DemocRATS. If you’re going to be anywhere for 26 hours you’re going to need some snacks. As a show of solidarity several DemocRAT senators sent boxes of food to those participating in the sit-in. Sen. Chuck Schumer sent Pepsi and Mountain Dew, Dick Durbin sent Milky Ways, Ron Wyden sent pizzas. I don’t know if this sit-in changed anything, but the slumber party afterwards is going to be amazing. The sit-in looks really good fun. You sit on the floor, you sing songs, eat pizza. If I was in Congress, I would have a sit-in on every other issue. I would be like, “All right, we need to introduce this zoning bill. Everyone on the floor. Dave, pull up the Domino’s app. Garlic knots?” But despite their best efforts, after 26 hours the DemocRATS decided to end the sit-in. They wanted to end hours earlier, but that is how long it takes 70-year-old men to get up off the floor.

SETH MEYERS said: DemocRATS staged a 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to try to force a vote on new gun control legislation. You know the state of our Congress is terrible when you see a bunch of politicians sitting on their [butts] and think to yourself, “Wow, they’re finally doing something!” After ending their 26-hour sit-in, House Democrats vowed to continue fighting for gun control when Congress resumes in July. Because it’s going to take that long for some of these guys to get up off the floor. Yesterday House Speaker Paul Ryan referred to the Democratic-led sit-in for gun control as “nothing more than a publicity stunt.” He then added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, my party’s nominee has a WWE match to fight.”

AND STEPHEN COLBERT said: The sit-in in the House of Representatives is pretty dramatic. It is so rare that Congress does anything interesting. So I want to take a moment to say something I never thought I would: “Thank you Congress for sitting on your [butt].” After the protest began, Paul Ryan declared a recess and cut off C-SPAN’s live feed. Now, personally, I don’t want to live in a world where Paul Ryan decides what’s on TV. I’m guessing it would just be P90X infomercials and “Top Gun” 24 hours a day. But again, it felt exciting. Here’s an example. I kid you not, when he heard about this, my teenage son said, “Let’s go watch C-SPAN!” I hope he’s not on drugs. C-SPAN saw an 800 percent increase in ratings last night. That means like 800 people were watching.

THIS WEEK, WITH SUMMER SORT OF SWELTERING AND WE HAVE ANOTHER TIMELY POEM FROM BUNKY TADWELL, THE BARD OF CLEVES.

Summer Sports
Summer is the time for sports
So search for a lovely doll
Who is yearning for some action
And willing to play ball.

IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED  “Holiday Price Hikes,” everybody was filling up his gas tank to avoid the holiday price hikes next week, and our three Cost-Conscious County Commissioners were complaining about the high price of gasoline these days. This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.

MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says everybody’s watching to see what happens when Liberal Whacko DemocRAT Senator Elizabeth Warren shows up at Cincinnati’s Museum Center at Union Terminal tomorrow morning to audition as Crooked Hillary’s running mate. Can’t you just feel the excitement?

LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #217 says ask them to guess who said this: “The soundest way to raise revenues in the long run is to cut taxes now. The purpose of cutting taxes now is… to achieve the more prosperous, expanding economy which can bring a budget surplus.” Ronald Reagan? One of the Bushes? F. A. Hayek? Arthur Laffer? No, it was JFK.

JOHN GALT says, “I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard, no matter how long or hard the struggle.”

WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES has Three Reasons why BREXIT will not break the world economy: (1) Financial markets hate uncertainty, and there will be ample amounts of that for quite a while. (2) Like most divorces, it may take a long time to work this separation out fully. And (3) This may also provide a wake-up call for the European Union.

THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and soon once again the vacationer-in-chief and his brood will be headed for another high-priced, taxpayer-funded vacation.
Even as the economy is still moribund, even as more people than ever have given up looking for a job, even as more Americans are on food stamps and on welfare than ever in our history… the Obamas need a vacation! It must be pretty tough job wreaking all that havoc on the country, after all. Obama might need a vacation after all that effort.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.

Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.

FINALLY, AT TODAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the BREXIT vote. “The funniest thing is this report from Google,” Kane explained. “It says the morning after the vote the British were madly searching to figure out what the European Union was.” Could the same thing happen here? We’d be shocked if it didn’t.

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.

THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.

SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.

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AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:

MONDAY (JUNE 27) The Blower will be like most people, ignoring Hillary’s visit to Cincinnati unless she gets arrested, but we’ll still be continuing to count down the 207 Days of Dishonesty for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.

TUESDAY (JUNE 28) we’ll be checking to see how many more Left Wing Activist groups have already been given permits to wreak havoc at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland in only 23 more days, and our Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” will certainly have something to say about that.
WEDNESDAY (JUNE 29) we’ll be following how our local Kneepad Liberals in the Press continue to politicize that Radical Islamic Terrorist Mass Murder in Orlando and that Stupid DemocRAT Sit-In in Congress.
THURSDAY (JUNE 30) we’ll be checking to see if Hillary has yet been indicted.

THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (JULY 1) LIMERICK IS “When we celebrate the Fourth of July,” which just happen to be do on that date if you live in Hamilton County.

AND SATURDAY (JULY 2) we’ll be getting ready to cover the Holy Homophobic Heterosexual Fourth of July Day Parade in Anderson, and you can imagine how fairly balanced that will be.

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Cincinnati’s Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley, who wore his fake eyebrows when he entertained Hillary by hosting a money-grubbing fundraiser at his wife’s house in Mt. Lookout tonight, while donating $1,000 his contributors had given him so he could try to look like a big shot on occasions such as this.

WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE

e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.

Whistleblower Video Of The Day

Louder With Crowder Schools Ignorant SkyNews Host on Guns and Orlando Shooting

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