THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2016
Today, jokewriters all over America will probably be making jokes about yesterday’s Stupid Sit-in by The Disingenuous DemocRATS in Congress.

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV

Things are really heating up between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Hillary gave a speech yesterday attacking Trump, and then today, Trump gave a counter-speech attacking Hillary. Which means 2016 will always be remembered as the election of “Shut up” — “No, you shut up.”
Hillary gave this speech about Trump yesterday and said, quote, “He’s written a lot of books about business, but they all seem to end at Chapter 11.” Then Bernie Sanders said, “Even I felt that burn!”
While he was back at the Capitol yesterday, Bernie Sanders accidentally went to the Republican lunchroom. Bernie knew he wasn’t in the Democrats’ lunchroom when he couldn’t get a free lunch.
A new Election Commission report just came out saying that the Trump campaign isn’t doing so well financially, and is practically broke. It’s not good — in fact today, Trump stole a bunch of towels from his own hotel.
The report revealed that Donald Trump’s campaign started this month with only $1.3 million, which is almost $8 million less than Bernie Sanders’ campaign. Even Bernie was like, “How does it feel to be poor, you LOSER!”
President Obama will be attending the Global Entrepreneurship Summit in California. The only place to see more people describing themselves as “entrepreneurs” is on “The Bachelorette.”
Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby.
Donald Trump fired his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Trump said Lewandowski was controversial, impulsive and short-tempered — and will make a great running mate.
In a speech, Donald Trump said thousands of people in the United States are “sick with hate.” Then Trump said, “I’d like to thank them for their support.”
In a speech today, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton, calling her “a world class liar” and “the most corrupt person to seek the presidency.” Trump then said, “Wait a second, I think I’m in love.”
To protest the lack of gun control reform, Congressional Democrats are sitting on the floor of the House. The sit-in consists of more than 30 Democrats and two Republicans who thought it was a hot yoga class.
Today Donald Trump called on Bernie Sanders’ supporters to support him instead. Trump said, “Ignore my policy positions, just focus on my New York accent and crazy hair.”
Nearly 1 million adults in the U.S. are in a same-sex marriage. That’s compared to the nearly 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage.
Bernie Sanders admitted today that he “doesn’t appear” to be the nominee. Just to make sure, Bernie said he’ll stay in the race for two more years.
Today members of the conservative Christian clergy met with Donald Trump. They came out of the meeting proclaiming “THERE IS NO GOD!”
Many people are going to the movie theaters to get out of the heat. In fact, here in L.A. nine people actually went to see the movie “Warcraft.”
Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for running mate includes Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Tim Kaine, and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s shortlist includes “anyone from the cast of ‘Entourage.'”
Donald Trump has dumped his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Lewandowski said he’s going to return to his old job, as a manager in pro wrestling.
Even though he has no chance of winning the nomination, taxpayers are still paying for Bernie Sanders to have Secret Service. It’s not that expensive though, it’s just one guy that goes out late at night to buy Fig Newtons.
A new poll came out and it claims that 25 percent of voters remain undecided. Apparently, they’re undecided on whether to move to Canada or Mexico.

Donald Trump has been stepping up his attacks on Hillary Clinton. He just launched a new website called LyingCrookedHillary.com. Which I tried to go on like five times today. Every time I only got a blank page. I told him not to hire the guys who set up the Obamacare website. He didn’t listen.
Trump said the public doesn’t know anything about Hillary in terms of her religion, whereas we do know that he is a man of deep faith. In fact, his faith is so deep you can barely see any sign of it. His faith is like one of these see-through fish at the very, very bottom of the ocean.
Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Columbus, Ohio, where she called Trump an uncaring businessman. Which I guess is supposed to be an insult, except those are the exact words he has printed on his business card.
Clinton’s senior adviser said if we were to put Trump behind the wheel of the American economy, he would drive us off a cliff. That’s ridiculous. He’s going to drive us into a wall, a nice beautiful wall paid for by Mexico.

Donald Trump gave a speech today on what he called the failed policies and bad judgment of Hillary Clinton. And he’s right, her judgment isn’t always great, but nobody will listen to him because his judgment is so much worse.
Anti-Trump Republicans have reportedly been re-energized by reports that Donald Trump’s campaign is having financial problems that could lead to an alternative GOP nominee. “Awesome,” said Jeb Bush, before slipping on a banana peel and falling into a manhole.
Bernie Sanders today told reporters he’s not sure if he will be asked to speak at the upcoming Democratic convention. But he does know he won’t be asked to speak up.
Ted Cruz today endorsed Marco Rubio’s campaign for re-election in the Senate. And when those two work together, there’s nothing they can do.
Bernie Sanders admitted today that he doesn’t believe he can become the Democratic nominee. He also said it might be time to give up on his dream of qualifying for the X Games.
Hundreds of demonstrators showed up in Times Square today to protest Donald Trump’s meeting with evangelical leaders at a nearby hotel. That’s how much those protesters hate Donald Trump: They’re willing to go to Times Square.
At a meeting with nearly 1,000 evangelical leaders today, Donald Trump told the attendees that Hillary Clinton is not worthy of their prayers. Although I’m pretty sure Hillary’s prayers were already answered when Trump won the GOP nomination.
A recent report found that 52 percent of voters think Hillary Clinton is more intelligent than Donald Trump. While the rest disagreed with that statement …bigly.
Donald Trump thanked crowds in Phoenix for their support this weekend, saying, “I feel like a supermodel, except like times ten.” By the way, “supermodel times ten” is also his spray tan setting.
Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a son this weekend. Unfortunately, due to his young age, he’s a Sanders supporter.
The election is still going to be Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. It is the very first time in American history that both political parties have the same slogan, “2016, look, it is what it is. What are you gonna do.”
Last night, the Federal Election Commission announced how much cash each campaign has on hand. And Hillary Clinton is burying Donald Trump $42 million to $1.3 million. I always knew those huge skyscrapers were overcompensating for something in his pants. I just never imagined it was his wallet.
$1.3 million isn’t even enough to afford a one-bedroom apartment in Trump’s own building. Not that he would want it. I hear the landlord is a jerk.
How could Trump have less cash on hand than the “Veronica Mars” movie raised on Kickstarter? That right there is the kind of mystery only Veronica Mars could solve.