FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2016

Who’s Your Daddy?
This week, everybody who thinks the City’s population will never increase as long as every time a baby’s born, some guy leaves town, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

The winner is Gary Goodson, who says he hopes his unappreciative offspring read his limerick before Sunday so he might get a decent present for once.

Gary wins a “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mug from K-mart, a Father’s Day Card his wife made with free crappy clip art downloaded from the internet, and a call from the nursing home reminding him that he hasn’t visited his own father for the last six months. His winning limerick is:

To honor your dad on Father’s Day
Here is what I would say
Whether chili and cheese
Or two girls on their knees
Your old man would love a 3-way.

Dishonorable Mentions

PFC Kadon’s Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day,
Allow him to sadly give you away
To the United States Navy, the pride of the fleet,
And with pride mixed with tears that are so bittersweet,
Watch you ship out to the tune of “Anchors Aweigh.”

Howard Wilkinson’s Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day
Forget the tie or the hanky – that’s gay.
Buy him a weekend at the Holiday Inn
Where he and your mother can frolic and sin
And have an extended roll in the hay.

Bill Sloat’s Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day
Please refrain from calling him gay
He has paid your six years of tuition
For a job that has never come to fruition
And in his home he’s still letting you stay.

Rob Sanders’ Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day
Think of something positive to say,
Like, “Gee, Dad you were great!”
“I’m sorry my thanks is so late.”
“You may not be perfect, but you sure were OK!”

Jaywalking Joe Deters’ Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day
You really want him to play
So go to your mother
Or his significant other
And tell her to do it his way.

“In Russ We Trust” Jackson’s Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day
Is a hallowed part of the American Way.
The family is the foundation
Of our Western Civilization;
It keeps the godless State ever at bay.

Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson’s Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day,
And show how you feel, you must display,
Gratitude for once,
You ungrateful dunce,
No wonder the geezer is old and grey.

Phil Burr-Ass’ Entry
To honor your dad on Father’s Day
Try to think of something different to say,
Instead of “I need money,
Or you’re the Easter Bunny”.
(And for Pete’s sake, don’t tell him you’re gay!)

And from the Anderson Laureate (whose nine stanza limerick must certainly be some sort of world’s record.”)

To honor your dad on Father’s Day
Bring him a steak on a TV tray
Or thank him profusely
With vodka and orange juicely
But if he’s a bum, just say “Oy vey!”

Now some guys make wonderful daddies
But among the good there’s the “baddies”
He should just keep his pants zipped
If they don’t want to get whipped
And just become batboys or caddies.

To humor your dad on Father’s Day
Though the rest of the year you stay away
Just be truthful and candid
And tell him you’ve been stranded
On a mountain in the Himalay

You know how gullible some dads are
He’ll believe why you’ve been remaining afar
He’s such a poor sap
He’ll believe all of your crap
And might even buy you a new car.

But think of the saying “time will tell”
You may fall for a gorgeous young belle
If your sperm isn’t bad
You might someday be a dad,
And remember paybacks are hell!

Your kid will be thinking just like you
And your present will be a necktie or two
When what would really make you cheer
Would be a freight car full of beer
And a CD of Johnny Cash’s “Boy named Sue.”

So what goes around comes around
And trust me, my thinking is sound
Your boy will be like you
And do everything you do
Until they lower you into the ground.

So strike while the iron is hot
Get him a gift he ain’t got
Something he’ll like
Like a new Harley bike
I promise he’ll love you a lot.

But if he’s too old for a cycle
Don’t put yourself in a pickle
The thought is what counts
Not sizes or amounts
He’ll accept a shiny new nickel.

The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“When you pay your real estate taxes”

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering, who says failure to receive a tax bill will not avoid such penalty and/or interest if you’re late mailing your Real Estate Taxes.