THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 2016

Today, jokewriters all over America will probably be making jokes about Donald Trump’s first year campaigning for President tonight.

Meanwhile, On Late Night TV This Tuesday and Wednesday

According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names in 2016 are Noah and Emma. Least popular baby names? Donald and Hillary.
According to a political science professor, all of Donald Trump’s speeches are given at a fifth-grade level or below. And today Trump said the professor who did the study was a doody head.
Bernie Sanders is still not conceding. Bernie says he is the most anti-fossil fuel of any of the candidates. Well of course he is, that’s ’cause he’s the only candidate who is an actual fossil.
Bernie Sanders is still upset because he says his fundraising dinners didn’t raise as much money as Hillary Clinton’s. Well, of course they didn’t. Nobody wants to eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
During an interview last week, Bernie Sanders admitted to smoking marijuana as a young man. He said it impaired his perception and distorted his thinking but he expects that to clear up eventually.
Donald Trump celebrated his 70th birthday today. And I guess instead of blowing out his candles, he just insulted them until they put themselves out. “You’re too hot! You smell like wax! You’re the worst part of this cake!”

In a speech, Donald Trump said thousands of people in the United States are “sick with hate.” Then Trump said, “I’d like to thank them for their support.”
Donald Trump has called for a ban on all immigration to the United States. Of course, Trump said the ban would be lifted if he ever needs a new wife.
Today is Donald Trump’s 70th birthday. For the occasion, Donald Trump’s friends got together and said, “Wait — why are we friends with Donald Trump?”
Bernie Sanders is set to meet with Hillary Clinton this evening. Bernie said the meeting will give Hillary one last opportunity to bow out gracefully.

Today is Donald Trump’s birthday! Trump may have turned 70, but his views about women are 150 years old.
I imagine it’s tough to get Trump a gift. What do you get the man who hates everything?
At his party, they had cake, they had party favors, and they played some really fun games, like “Pin the bad economy on the Obama.”
The best part is, they didn’t have to hire a clown.
The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she’s getting some traction from her new slogan, “Come with me, if you want to live.”
GOP Sen. Tim Scott yesterday walked out of a press scrum and hid on the Senate floor to avoid questions about Donald Trump. That’s how much senators don’t want to talk about Trump. They’re actually showing up in the Senate.
Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain said in a speech today that he feels Donald Trump is not a racist. Said Trump, “Thank you, Ben Carson.”
President Obama gave a speech this afternoon in which he angrily called out Republicans for being too obsessed with his refusal to use the term “radical Islam” — or as Fox News reported it, “Angry Black Man Spotted Talking About Radical Islam Near Capitol Building.”
Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turns 70 years old today. And this is cool — so did his views on immigration.
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders met privately this evening. So privately even Bernie didn’t know
Last night, the last primary was held in Washington, D.C. The primaries being over reminds me what my brother used to say when I was a kid: “I’m going to keep punching you in the face but it will feel so good when it’s over.”
It is now being reported that the Democratic National Committee was hacked by the Russians. Hey, maybe they know where Hillary’s emails are.
While they were in the DNC cyber matrix, the Russians apparently stole opposition research on Donald Trump. Russia, what are you doing? If you want damaging information about Donald Trump, just wait for him to talk.