SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 2016

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Exploiting the Flag” By James Jay Schifrin 

         Today in Patronage County, every politician was taking part in the Annual Flag Day Parade, and our three Corrupt County Commissioners were about the best ways to exploit the best ways to exploit the day’s events.

        “That’s easy,” said Commissioner Filch. “We’ll send out an e-mail commemorating Flag Day. All we have to do is change the date on the one we sent out last year.”

        “And ask for donations while we’re at it,” added Commissioner Swindle. “People are suckers for a patriotic pitch.”

        “We have all these pamphlets about Flag Etiquette with our names stamped on them to hand out Republican Club meetings,” said Commissioner Pilfer.

        “But weren’t we supposed to distribute them before Flag Day?” Swindle asked.

        “Tell me again why we’re not selling American Flags again this year,” said Commissioner Filch.

        “Don’t you remember how all the unions complained last year when we sold all those flags with no Union Label? When’s the last time you saw an American Flag that was actually ‘Made in America?” Swindle explained.

        “Wouldn’t this be a good time for incumbents to come up with something unpatriotic your opponent said?” asked Commissioner Filch.

        “You’re right as usual, Filch,” Swindle smiled. “I’ve already called Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWhine to remind him about that time his Disgraced DemocRAT Opponent David A. Pepper said, ‘burning the flag was a small price to pay for liberty.”

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.