THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2016

Today, jokewriters all over America are looking for material on Hillary’s Untrustworthy Ratings.

Meanwhile, This Week On Late Night TV

• It’s being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling.
• Hillary told her assistant to break out the champagne. And he said, “Actually you drank it all when Trump secured his nomination. Do you remember that?”
• Hillary had to reach the threshold of 2,383 delegates to become the presumptive nominee. Hillary hasn’t been this excited about a threshold since the one she carried Bill over on their wedding night.
• Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the “textbook definition” of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University.
• Bernie Sanders campaigned in California yesterday ahead of the state’s Democratic primary, and even checked out the famous carousel at the Santa Monica Pier. But it got a little awkward when the music stopped and Bernie still wouldn’t admit that the ride was over. “This is gonna be a contested carousel!”
• After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.”

• In the general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as money-grubbing and unethical. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton plans on painting Donald Trump as Donald Trump.
• Bernie Sanders is vowing to stay in the race until the Democratic convention. He says he owes it all to his supporters, who need something to do until Burning Man.
• Two new government studies report that America’s obesity problem is getting worse. Both studies came with a Happy Meal.
• In an interview, Donald Trump said he won’t have to ask God for “much forgiveness.” Unless, of course, God turns out to be a Mexican woman who’s a Muslim.
• It’s being reported that Bernie Sanders is planning on cutting half of his campaign staff. Bernie said, “I’m saving money by only keeping the most delusional.”
• Today, presidential primaries are being held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Dakota, and South Dakota. Or, as it’s being reported in the media, California.
• House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a “textbook definition” of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “You lost us at ‘textbook.'”
• Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said it would be great if Hillary Clinton picked a female running mate. She said it during a speech entitled “Hint Hint.”
• A new poll found that Donald Trump’s recent outrageous comments might cost him the state of Florida. You know things are bad when a candidate is considered “too crazy for Florida.”
• Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again!
• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson said that he might run for president of the United States later on down the line. When they heard, the Republican Party asked him, “Can you start tomorrow?”
• Tomorrow is the California primary. Analysts say it’s make or break for Bernie Sanders. Either Bernie wins and he keeps going or he loses and he keeps going.

• You know who could use “Ghostbusters” right now? Hillary Clinton. She’s still being haunted by a spooky ghost named Bernie.
• Even though Hillary has more votes and delegates and superdelegates and states, Bernie Sanders still isn’t giving up. He says he will continue to fight. He’s like one of those old Japanese guys on an island who thinks the war is still going on.
• How many of you voted only so you could take the selfie with the “I Voted” sticker?

• It’s official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president.
• Hillary Clinton told supporters last night that her status as the Democratic nominee is thanks to the generations who struggled and sacrificed before her. “You’re welcome,” said Bernie Sanders.
• Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race and told supporters in Los Angeles that the struggle continues. The struggle to understand math?
• In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don’t think he should have added, “Once and for all.”
• Hillary Clinton today responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a “historic, unprecedented moment.” Said Hillary, “Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.”
• It is being reported that Ivanka Trump is writing a book titled “Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules of Success.” Which is better than the original title, “Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine!”
• President Obama yesterday called the Denver Broncos one of the greatest defenses of all time. “Wow, thanks!” said the Army.
• According to a new poll, a majority of Americans say they would not sleep with Donald Trump for $1 million. Well, of course, nobody sleeps with him for $1 million.
• Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel’s Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, “Oh, no, he’s an Indian, too?”
• Donald Trump is also attracting criticism after he singled out a black supporter at a rally on Friday and told the crowd, “Look at my African-American,” which is clearly racist, but also, he should know his name by now.
• While campaigning in California, ahead of tomorrow’s primary, Bernie Sanders yesterday stopped at a Los Angeles bar popular among the LGBT community. Said Sanders, “No! I said I wanted a BLT! What’s the ‘G’ for? It better not be guacamole because that costs an arm and a leg.”

• Hillary Clinton became the first female candidate of a major party. It was an incredible moment 240 years in the making, because I believe that’s when the election began
• Last night was also a big one for Donald Trump, who destroyed his competition in every state where he had no competition.
• And last night he shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the Flash calling an Uber, Aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb.
• It looks like the general election will come down to Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. Which is fitting, really, since she’ll be the first female nominee of her party, and he’ll be his party’s last nominee.
• The Clinton folks aren’t happy about the media jumping the gun on her clinching it. She wanted to announce that at her victory really tonight, so when she does announce, everyone please act like you didn’t see this coming.

Political Posters With Punch Lines

More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire