FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2015
Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest
Year-End Wussie Bashing
This week, everybody who thinks it doesn’t really matter if the press is lazy, stupid, or dishonest because the results are always the same, e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane, whose selection was really no total surprise to the staff since he always picks the winning entries himself (along with which photograph of himself to use.) Kane says “It’s the same fair, open, and honest process used by both the GOP and DemocRAT Parties to make their important choices.” And giving yourself meaningless awards is no big deal. Guys at COAST like Chris Finney and “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman proved that early this month.
Kane wins an “My Predictions Were Mean in 2015” T-shirt with a picture of Hamilton County still in “Blue,” a list of everybody else’s resolutions from last year to follow-up, and 1,001 more snitches to make his job easier. His winning limerick is:
In 2007 our New Year’s resolution
Was to fight all that liberal pollution
To repeal all the taxes,
We’d sent no more faxes,
e-mail was the only solution.
In 2008 our New Year’s resolution
Was to destroy a Liberal institution!
We’ll break out the glass,
And really kick ass,
And with a chain saw, exact retribution!
In 2009 our New Year’s resolution
Meant you’ll be in for some real persecution;
The Blower Motto we’d remember,
From January through December,
In our new right-wing revolution.
In 2010 our New Year’s Resolution
Had seen significant evolution:
We thought about voting Republican,
But they’ve been blue since who remembers when,
So we joined the TEA Party Revolution.
In 2011 our New Year’s Resolution
Was to go to Confession and seek absolution
For all the times we’ve cussed out Obama
And his Socialist electoral drama,
That’s fast bringing on our dissolution.
In 2012 our New Year’s resolution
Was to tune in to Obama’s elocution
We’ll watch all of his rants
And try not to poop in our pants
When he claims he has the solution.
In 2013 our New Year’s resolution
Was striving to avoid Obama’s elocution
His damned toothy face
Was all over the freaking place
And his gas was worse than any CO2 pollution.
In 2014 our New Year’s resolution
Was to escape from this Institution
We’ll make a rope from my sheets
And hope we land on our feets
And try to find us all a solution.
In 2015 our New Year’s resolution
Will be to help start a new American Revolution
To clean up Obama’s mess
We’ll try not to obsess
Over our own really mean-spirited retribution.
From Northern Kentucky
This time my New Year’s resolution
Will be to try to find a solution
To the question of where Obama
Was born to his Mama,
So we don’t go against the Constitution!
And another New Year’s Resolution
Will be to divest myself of all pollution.
TV, cell phone, computer – in the trash!
But, lest my actions seem unduly rash,
I’m keeping the radio on, in case there’s a revolution.
And from the Anderson Laureate we have this Obama-basher:
This time my New Year’s resolution
Will be to hope for a painful execution
Of the members of Congress
Who created our fiscal mess
And are brain-dead when they look for a solution.
And while we punish Senators and Reps
Let’s take a few more drastic steps
And curse the Messiah
Who caused this financial bonfire
And threatened us with an economic eclipse
I’ll try to be relentless and firm
Hoping we can impeach this phony worm
And before I repent
I’ll get the 47%
Who elected this a-hole for a second term
The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The biggest story we found last year”
